Love and trauma

I experienced possibly most forms of trauma during my childhood and for whatever reason, I've been able to keep going without much of an issue. I have my problems, like everyone else, but nothing in particular that could be directly tied back to my childhood.

But then I met a therapist, 2 years ago. I started seeing them for insomnia. I felt like we hit it off almost immediately. They were funny and intelligent. The things they said made me feel safe and cared for. It became easier and easier to open up about things I never discussed with anyone before.

I allowed myself to become fully vulnerable after a while. I felt naked but never in a bad way. I felt safe with them.

And I fell so madly in love with this therapist. Telling them this was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But they were kind and professional and told me what I was experiencing was "transference". For anyone who is unaware of what that is, it's the redirection of feelings from another point in the clients life, being projected onto the therapist (please feel free to correct me if I'm not completely correct).

All I knew is that I was in love and believed I've never met someone who could be a better match for me.

But for whatever reason, this therapist never helped me with the underlying reason for the transference. That's an important step in therapy, and it was never taken. My feelings of love developed into an obsession which pushed me to want to terminate therapy early out of fear, anger and anxiety.

Weeks prior to termination I explained this obsession with the therapist and they didn't seem too concerned. Well, that was my impression. We discussed me finding a new therapist but that idea tapered off pretty quickly and we continued, without touching on the subject of my obsession.

So I pushed for a termination. The therapist agreed. I tried backing down last minute because of how overwhelmingly terrified I became. The therapist declined and told me therapy was over. They told me I'm fine, and stronger than I may think.

I felt beyond humiliated for being denied in my moment of fear. But I persisted with the quick termination and left, utterly petrified.

What followed after termination is something I cannot be completely sure of. Some therapists say it's PTSD, others say it's a mental breakdown. All I know is, I lost my ability to cope in this world. It was like all the trauma that had been simmering at the surface (transference), finally erupted and invaded my life. I became suicidal, I disassociated, I hurt myself and started doing drugs and drinking just to get through my day. I vomited often out of the sheer anger and confusion I felt over what was happening to me. The person I loved, and believed cared for me was gone and I couldn't understand why. I lost a ton of weight and started doing dangerous things. I went looking for fights and I carried weapons with me. I never found what I was looking for, thankfully.

I tried reaching out to this therapist but they have been ignoring me. They refuse to answer my emails and that only increased the agony I was experiencing. I feel so lost in this world. I feel like I'm sharing my body with other people, if that makes any sense. It's like the emotions I had experienced in my childhood have taken shape inside of me and can control me to a certain degree.

It's been 6 months since termination and I can say I have improved. I don't self harm or think of suicide anymore. I quit drinking, smoking and pills. I'm very slowly moving into a better direction. But I feel like I'm moving through mud. I get weighed down so easily with the overwhelming depression I have been carrying with me. I want to forgive and move on, but my trauma is effecting that progress. I feel dirty and violated. I trusted this therapist to take care of me and to help me but instead they allowed so much damage and my life was threatened. And they can't even reach out to apologize or to show any form of regret for their actions. It's agonizing to think that they feel I'm a throw-away human. I feel like a toy they broke so they tossed me away and went to play with another.

I've tried to see other therapists but I constantly argue with them or ghost them without warning. I don't trust therapists and I'm far from ready to open up to another one. So that means I'm handling my mental health all on my own. I'm confused most of the time and scared out of my wits. But I have to be persistent, that is the only thing to do.

I've thought about reporting this therapist for unprofessionalism, negligence and abandonment. But the worst part of what I've been experiencing is that I'm still deeply in love with them. I wonder if they're happy and safe. And I don't want to harm them by reporting them. I know it's super messed up, and I have a lot more healing to experience.

The therapists I did give a small chance to, all tried urging me to report this therapist. Some therapists became visibly upset at my previous therapists actions. Some called my previous therapists names like "narcissist", "motherf---er", "sociopath". One outright didn't believe my previous therapist was ignoring my emails. She outright said I probably have the wrong email address or they're not receiving them. They couldn't understand why a therapist would ignore a client in dire need.

I just want to feel better and move on with my life. I now have more issues than I did when I started therapy. I just want to feel okay again. 😞