Many traumas

I have had several traumas in my life and all of them cause issues for me.

Trigger possiblities. . .

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I have been on facebook and they said you need at least 6 spaces if there is a possible trigger issue.

I grew up witnessing violence and I was so scared most of my life in getting hit, I pushed back my feelings and lived in fear of men for a very long time. (I understand my father's frustrations now, but I do not understand why he would be in such a rage one moment and be like this logical guy the next. He reminded me of the hulk and it scared me to even watch that cartoon as a kid. The weird thing is I see myself doing that with my mood swing, I don't hit unless I am corner and the few that cornered me were drunk and putting me down.)

I was hit by a car walking a paper route. I was so shocked that walked home. I found out because when the car hit me i feel to my knees and I cannot run anymore or play sports and I have knee damage. (I get bad visions and nightmares of me hitting myself being both driver and the passenger. Once my first stepmother had my half brother, I was even more paranoid driving. I had nightmares that I would do everything right and my brothers would die in a car accident and my stepmother would blame me even when she would make me take them. I have had sleep issues, mono, blood pressure issue, sleep apnea, and I can fall sleep just watching TV or in a car if I trust the driver.)

I was raped. I was drunk, I believe I said no at least half dozen times. However all I remember is having a pillow pushed on my head and pain. However I was over 21 and the guy was 16, and I was afraid to tell anyone because he was underage. (I heard that he told others that I wanted him, and a lot of lies of details. I also heard that he had a son with a girl, I just hope that is son turns out better than him.)

Lost my grandma's house. (I feel like a failure. I got her out of her debt with her regular bills, However I did not know that my grandmother did not hve life/death insurance and that she had over ten grand of medical debt. After she died, which was very traumaizing for the family. We also lost her house, because of the laywers said it was best to cut our losing and move on. She had gotten a mortgage at the age of 7- but a guy who just wanted to get credit only to get fired for giving such older person a 30 year mortgage. Even now have NOT felt secure or at home since, we lost the house.)

Being strong when my brother is sick, (my brother and I have always joked and leaned on each other when things go down. We know had each other backs. He will be 35 next week and has three open heart surgeries and lost his leg. He is very strong, but it was very hard for me to be strong for my parents.

Being cheated on, This is very complicated, because my ex and I were together for over 8 years. The last year was bad, we have gone through a lot. . . His father dying, my brother going through heart surgery and losing a leg (he had a heart infection that spread), moving from a secure apartment, but I was getting harassed by the manager and the front desk because we were not married, so I had to be considered a guest, then I had female problems and physical intimacy was very painful and I had depression, anxiety and mood swing then. He started to be interested in other women. He started pushing me away, and felt more like roommates than in a relationship. He wouldnt even go to the doctors with me, instead he was online talking to some greedy girl who just wanted his money. He even declared their relationship two day before we officially broke up.
Here is the twist. . . I gave up half of my family to help him over a year later when he had a liver transplant, because I was the only one his mother trusted.

Meds. My second stepmother pushed pills on me because of my depression and anxiety. She pushed Paxil on me. I had nightmares. I was either a zombie or I thinking of ways to take myself out and how to take out others. It scared me. I had a nervous breakdown (a week after I was in a car accident, but my stepmother tell everyone I was fine, she never asked me because she too worried about her new adopted baby, which I pulled my shoulder to brace still, because I always try to save others before myself. I was thinking of away to take myself out and instead of telling a doctor that I need help, she told me to go a homeless shelter. I saw where I stood with her, so I hope my father has happy life with her.

My dad also called the adopted baby the same cute name he used to call me pumpkin. I was devastated and instantly felt replaced.

So after all of this. . . I helped my ex while was sick (I was so brokenhearted that no I did NOT fall back in love with him) However I was upset when he was getting surgery and stepmother was harassing me via text because my father didnt have the balls to send me a text himself. I want nothing to do with my first stepmother because she made me feel like a kid who was never good enough. I want nothing to do with my second stepmother because she didnt want me (she tried to change me while I was there. I changed right back once I left.) My ex died of severe cancer.

Deaths. I do not handle death very well, because they change everything. My cats: Mona, Dirty (my brothers cat), my grandma, My grandpa, my aunt, my ex and I know the list goes on.

Dealing with inconsiderate doctors/therapists. . . I growing up I never knew that you have research your doctors. I just always thought you go the doctors that worked with your local hospital and insurance. However I have learned you need to find a doctor who will listen to you and not just tell you to take unknown meds and lost weight. I have many female issues and these hormonal issues cause severe daily pain and make it hard to lose weight. I also get frustrated when I finally when finally get a doctor you like and then they drop your insurance. This also works with therapists.

I also have a tricky living situation. I live with family, but I do NOT think I could live alone with my thoughts. My darks have not gone away since I took the stupid Paxil.

My depression and my anxiety makes small issues into mountains and I easily get overwhelmed.

I just wish I could work through this and move on and find happiness, at least contentment.