Memories

7 years ago I started trying for a baby. We had already been non preventing pregnancy for 4 years. So 1 year in and I still hadn't gotten pregnant so we got a golden retriever. Her name was Penny. I got her because I thought I'd never have a baby. She was my baby. Fast forward to April of 2019. I was finally pregnant. Happy as ever. August of 2019 my Penny girl got very sick. She had kidney issues that we were aware of. Kidney failure.

At this point I was 6 months pregnant. On September 1st we had to put her down because he kidneys completely stopped working.

I replay it in my head day after day. I was hugging her face as they gave her the shot. I heard her take her last breath, I heard her mouth open and her tongue fall out.

I miss her.

She was my first child to me. When I got pregnant I was so excited for my babies to grow up together. Now all I have left of her is a lock of hair and ashes. I go to bed every night and just pray that I will get to see her in my dreams.

The whole experience was traumatic to me. I wouldn't wish it on my enemies.

I dont know if I'm experiencing ptsd or ppd or a mixture of both. But I just want to be fully happy for 1 day. I don't want to be sad anymore.