Messed up childhood
Where do I even begin to start…
Growing up I never felt true love or safety, I still remember police kicking down our front door to apprehend my dad who was physically assaulting my mum, she was screaming all night and hid herself in the laundry room, my dad then came to me looked me in the eyes and said “I’m killing your mum tonight” before running back down the hall way to the door of the room my mum had locked herself in.
I still remember how two female officers carrying me outside, telling me everything is going to be alright when I knew inside of me it wasn’t. I was 9
I still remember how my dad sexually assaulted me and my sisters, the police knew what he had to done to my sisters but not to me as I felt ashamed at the time as well as being a male. I never got the support I needed to process what had happened to me. I was 10
I still remember how my mum tried to commit suicide in front of me and I had to stick my fingers down her throat so the pills she ingested wouldn’t cause an overdose, I was 16.
And lately I’ve been unable too deal with the reality of what happened to me and it’s slowly causing me to lose my mind, I’ve emotionally distanced myself from my current family, friends & colleagues. I held a terrific managerial position within my company and was laid off recently due to my quality of work falling tremendously due to my need to pursue a road of recklessness and vicious self-destructive habits.
My upbringing has bought out a sociopathic side in me (Minor Machiavellian traits alongside with impulsivity and no regard for my OWN safety) and I know it’s wholly a nurture not nature case and is solely here to protect the inner child inside of me that went through so much abuse growing up. My impulsivity and lack of regard for my own safety has brewed suicide ideation in me and it’s consuming me day and night, I can’t sleep properly anymore. I am now 21 and more confused than ever yet somehow coming to terms with what happened to me when I was younger.
What would you do if you were in my shoes?
@amicableSugar7464
I am so proud of you for posting your story. It takes real bravery to do that....
I'm so sad you endured all that you have. I too had a horrific childhood. I understand where your at, I've been there, suicidale- all of it. I have too many traumas to list. I finally got to a point where I couldn't stand being in my own head anymore. I have CPTSD/MDD/Major anxiety from all I've been through.
I found help in therapy and medication. It saved my life actually... And I'm big against meds. I recommend professional guidance through all your pain , only because it's helped me . I'm still a work in progress.
You deserve everything good thing life has to offer. Your so lucky to be young and you can map out your beautiful life. I'm older and feel I've wasted most of my life running from my trauma experiences. I'm not where I would like to be , my choices would have been better if I'd sought help sooner. Actually I'm really pissed at myself for waiting so long.
You can make a good life my friend.
Best of luck to you.
ABB 💜
