My class is holding a celebration tomorrow and I almost feel like I don't want to go
I've been excited about it and looking forward to it for a while. But for some reason now I feel worried about it and I'm getting thoughts of not going. I've suffered from prolonged social exclusion as a child. School trips were a nightmare for me and reinforced to me the fact that I had no friends. Whilst other people left it with joy I would leave it crying.
Now I'm worried with this class that I would somehow get excluded again. Even though they are great.
These two days I decided not to think about my childhood trauma anymore after doing a lot of unpacking and processing two days ago. Because I was feeling very anxious and overly hypervigilant, constantly dissociating for the whole day yesterday. So now I want my mind to rest.
It just doesn't help that everyday situations are a trigger for me.
I'll be okay.
@discreetPlace4219
You speak of social anxiety.... You fear being around people because you have very little social experience..
I hope you decide you deserve better, that life is better lived with others.
https://youtu.be/NdYWuo9OFAw?si=ckHuw2pBLEONEAzO
i think you should study this song 🎵 by the Goo Goo Dolls called "iris" and find away to show others who you are. There are actually people out there who want to know you but you've got to seek the illuminating forces of others. 🌲
@discreetPlace4219
Update: I went. I felt really hesitant and got ready in the last minute. But I went.
The first half: I was getting triggered. I felt like it's exclusion all over again. Emotional flashbacks. I kept trying to 'fit in' but I had little confidence in myself and just felt weird and awkward. I was sitting alone with another girl whom I don't know.. I felt horrible.
Then that girl went and sat with her friends. Tbh, I realized I shouldn't be waiting for people to include me. So I went and sat with other people. I chatted with some of them, and it was great. I ended up sitting with people whom I feel comfortable with and had a really great time. Tbh I still struggle when I'm standing with people who I feel are 'popular' and they're talking, I feel like I just don't fit in with them. But it's surprising when they actually listen to what I say and include me and don't hate or ignore me? I don't know, my brain just short-circuits like "something's not right". I'm still getting used to the idea that I am actually valuable and people do see my value.
Overall, it was great and I didn't want to leave. I'm glad I went.
