PTSD (TW sexual assault)

I'm terribly sorry that you have gone through this. I want you know that none of that abuse was your fault and that guy is a piece of garbage for treating you that way and doing that to you.

I want to tell you that you are not disgusting. You are not evil. Even though you are creating these relationships in the hopes to hurt these people, which isn't right but, it's normal to want to hurt someone after experiencing sexual assault. Whether it be you wanting to hurt the person(s) who did it to you or if you want to hurt someone else completely random, it is a normal reaction to this type of trauma.

I agree that your behavior in the two relationships you're in is not appropriate behavior but it is a very good thing that you know deep down its wrong and that you don't really even want to do it. That means that with some time and working through your feelings about your trauma, you can be able to address that anger in a different way instead of hurting others or yourself.

I want to tell you that you are not a bad person you're just a person who has been hurt and the desire for revenge is a very normal reaction to what you've been through. It is possible to work on it with a professional and you can learn techniques that will help you cope with the flashbacks and feel a little better.

As a multiple assault survivor myself I understand the anger that you feel. It's like pure rage. You want revenge and you want them to suffer for what they did to you and if that person can't suffer then someone else has to. I promise you are not alone in feeling this way there are many survivors like you who have these same thoughts.

I know it feels lonely and I know you are hurting but it is possible to heal. It is very hard and you have to really want it but with help from a professional you can experience some kind of relief. I hope my kind words and understanding can help you feel less alone because I promise you are not alone at all.

I'm glad that you are able to recognize that what you went through *was* abuse and that you are having a very understandable but problematic impulse for what I will call revenge by proxy.

You did NOT deserve any of it and what you went through was wrong.

Now for the harder stuff.

Generally revenge by proxy is best directed at a picture of your actual abuser on a dart board, a punching bag, video game NPC, through writing a letter that you then burn rather then send - things like that. There are even excersizes to do with a trusted group of friends that I may have created or found somewhere. Hurting someone else isn't cool.

That said just dating two people does not make you wrong .

Are you supposed to be exclusive with either of them?

Have you actually *done* anything to hurt either of them?

Can you tell if either of them is a candiate for a healthy long term relationship, are either of them showing warning signs of being anothrr abuser?

Dating two people and want to hurt them with that knowledge is mean but not.the same as sexual assault and you didn't deserve what you got because you weren't a perfect angel.

Its okay to just not be ready for a new committed relationship and focus on healing, its also okay to just be casually dating or enjoying healthy and safe sex without strings -for right now.

My direct personal experiance with sexual abuse is fortunately limited so I may not have the right insight - but a lot of what you are describing is gas lighting and manipulation that just happenned to also have a far stronger sexual componant then anything that happenned to me. I do know a fair bit about that stuff although not everything may apply.

Because control was taken from you it is normal to feel like you need to reclaim these aspects of your life.

I don't know if there were things that happened earlier in your life that created vulnerability, how old you were when this happened, etc. That can also make a difference.

When an abuser is able to spend a long period of time conditioning a person and learning how to control and harm them - they do damage that "normalizes" toxic behavior. It is not that surprising that you are struggling with toxic impulses or that you find yourself drawn to either new abusers and/or hurting others.

When people are punished and traumatized for reasons that make no sense to us - there is a thing that can happen where you almost want to be punished but actually do something to deserve it - so we try to convince ourselves that we actually are bad enough for all the things we went through to be what we deserved or crave punishment because we are conditioned to being punished.

You can heal this kind of thing but it takes undoing that conditioning and learning how to have healthy relationships again- or for the first time. None of this stuff is easy but its worth fighting for.

My story is not your story and the things I went through were *mostly* non-sexual in nature - I don't normally identify as a sexual abuse survivor at all. The bulk of my trauma is in other areas.

For me the conditioning and abuse started in early childhood so I know that aspect of healing better.

If you had early childhood trauma that made it easier for your abuser to do more damage your path to healing will be different then if you were an older teen/young adult going through date rape, versus an adult who went through abuse.

I um kinda read the entire section on psychology and child development at several libraries as part of my own journey.

I hope any of this helps.