Struggle of growing up in trauma(TW)
I started life in a severely abusive childhood starting in infancy.( Siblings witnessed and also were victims and are also struggling in their lives) It set me up for continued trauma fall out and an inability to handle life's curves. I was in denial about my childhood and I didn't realize I had PTSD. I wasn't stable enough to take on things normally achieved by young ppl. I was running in fear through my life. I missed so many different opportunities because of my undiagnosed PTSD. I had no idea how much it was affecting me until much later in my life when another trauma came along and I became suicidaIl ..I did get help and I'm ok now. Now I'm diagnosed CPTSD/MDD/ anxiety. I'm just so sad about all the loss of better choices I could have made that would make my life better now all these years later. I hear about young ppl around my area that are going off to universities and pursuing their educational dreams with great supportive parents. There's no ptsd or trauma they have to overcome. They are so lucky and will have a chance to succeed with such great parents behind them. I know I'm not alone in this and others are suffering similar situations.....This is so hard for me, I am grieving so many losses including the loss of myself. ... to get to a place of healing and find peace is a huge challenge. I'm going to therapy trying to accept and move on but it's not going to change my horrific past. I don't share my story with ppl close to me because it's hard to tell and it's very hard to hear. If ppl know they treat you different,they don't see you they see your trauma . That's why I'm here to share how I feel ....it's good to have a judgement free, anon place to come for support. ABB💜
sounds tough sorry to hear that
Thank you, I appreciate your support. I'm just having a rough time. I'll have to medicate now, I can't stand the pain for the entire day, it's too much. I'm lucky to have such good supporters here. 💜ABB
I grieve the loss of myself as well.. Had bad family experiences as well. Aggressive critical mother. A grandmother that raised me and was thinking I must be hers because of that. Manipulative, wanting me to do what she wants 'if i love her', to give up what i want.. i had to cause she raised me! And making me feeling so guilty.. if eventually i choose myself.. I was in a hospital alone at the age of 3.. then sent at my grandparent's.. abandonned from my parents that I haven't ever forgive..
@harryWatermelon. I'm so sorry for your losses. Seriously it just seems so unfair. Forgiveness is so difficult. I've been learning some ways to forgive. Write a letter and then rip it up and throw it out. I think I've forgiven most of the ppl who caused me all this trauma but still working on forgiving myself....💜 ABB
Oh no, I don't need to forgive them.. I don't need to forgive my mother cause I don't have a connection with her.. I meant the abandonned 3 year old couldn't forgive..or was unable to do so and never did the connection again.. They didn't help me/ give me reason to forgive them.. cause they were bad.. never understood what they did to me..
Hi @harryWatermelon. My child within will never to forgive my parents too because they never will accept or acknowledge their terrible parenting and trauma they gave me. I don't owe them anything and no longer have a connection with them. Hugs, strength and courage to you 🤗
What stands for ABB?
ABB Is the first initial of amiable and black and berry
Hi amiableBlackberry I know you and I have connected from your response to my post, I have found yours. I too feel I have lost so much of my life, I'm now 50 and only starting out in life like a young child trying to find her way, place, identity and belonging in this world. I do literally feel I'm start all over again. Like yourself I'm extremely jealous of those whom are doing well for themselves the young ones and even ones in my age. ( sister in-laws) The thing I dont handle well here is my mother/father in law are same age as my parents, and my in-laws are such a well bonded close family. It hurts even when my ex rung his mum for chat. Why his parents same age as mine so much better as parents? My parents were from Holland been through war etc ( yes very traumatic for them) I WILL NOT give this for excuse to bad parenting. I cannot find anyway to for give my parents. How DARE THEY hold a new born baby in their arms and not feel "I want to give this child the best up bringing with love, patience, nurturing, praise etc" I'm feeling jealous of everyone succeeding ( including my own daughter) I'm jealous of her friendships, I'm jealous of my in-laws, I'm jealous of co-workers. Im jealous of all stories I hear about their lives and wonderful memories they have, I so desparately want to share in but I cant I have nothing, I feel nothing to give and share. I find this too in everyday conversations with people, I cant start or hold or share because I have nothing to share only pain and suffering, nothing good about me or my life. 50 years old this is my life. Blackberry you have a friend here whom shares with you all your expressing, feeling and understands what going through. My love, hugs and strength to you. Sorry this is so long. ❤
@Cazxy8752, yes I feel that too, but it's more of a sadness , broken hearted feeling. I'm not jealous I'm broken,sad. I can't start crying because then I can't stop. I have rivers of unshed tears and pain inside me. I think it's why I'm sick because I hold it in and been holding it in for decades. I can't connect because I can't trust. I am alone inside here even with my spouse around.......I try very hard to overcome all my issues but they are so deep I don't think I can ever get out from under them. My handle should be brokensoul. Lol. Don't worry about your post being long, mine usually are too . My story/ pain is excruciating for others to hear so I don't share it. I told my therapist and my massage therapist and it's heavy for them. I have so much. Not just that horrible childhood, I was assaulted and had some severe bullying in a job I had to leave. Thx for listening to me and caring, hugs and strength to you my friend 💜 ABB
I relate to so much of this. I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through.
@Oceandrean.. thx so much for reading and responding to my long post. It's means alot to me when ppl care enough to respond and I'm so sorry you can relate. Sad there's so many of us out here suffering from the fallout of so much abuse as kids. I'm around here alot and am happy to support you too. 💜ABB
Today was start out with horrible anxiety and then end my day with massive depression.... I'm so tired of this .. I am soooo tired .💜 ABB
I'm still struggling with the fallout of multiple trauma events old and new and I'd like it to stop but no matter what I do it just keeps coming back in the form of anxiety and depression. When does it stop? So far I feel like I'm stuck in this forever and it's painful...and it's been bubbling under the surface of my entire life like acid slowly eroding me. ABB💜
