Telling someone I love them (too late)?
tw: breakups, sexual assault/abuse, ipv, dv
This won't be a super dark post, I don't think. But here it is: I loved my ex-boyfriend. I still do. I'm pretty sure I broke up with him because I come from a family affected by *a lot* of trauma, and I felt betrayed by things he said and did that had little to do with me. Also, he got surly toward the end and gave me the silent treatment for mysterious reasons, and only apologized to me / acknowledged it AFTER I broke up with him.
I have no idea if he's changed. I know it's poison to wait around hoping they'll change. But I'm also mad that my decision to ask for a break (as opposed to space) was influenced by something beyond my control, something like familial duty. It scares me that I'm not entirely sure who I am or what I believe now.
I recently started wanting a tattoo. I'm pretty sure that's related, since my family disapproves of them. I want to be me, whoever that is, and I've struggled my whole life with pretending not to know.
@thisllpass
Do you maybe feel you lack closure with him? I think it's normal to wonder why and what could have been when a relationship doesn't work out with someone you still love. A similar thing happened to me. I lived with my first S.O. for about six years. I broke it off with him because he cheated on me and I met someone else who I am now married to. For a while I wondered what I could have done differently with my first significant other and if it was somehow my fault that he hadn't wanted to stay faithful. It took years of therapy to realize I hadn't done anything wrong, he just wasn't the "one" for me and the breakup was for the best. I actually hadn't thought about him for a long time, I guess I have moved on. I don't know what will happen with your ex, but hopefully, you eventually find peace with what happens, whatever it is.