This contains touching topics

Hi.. Um I've never vented before so here for anyone who's listening: 

Hi I won't say my real name so you can call me Angel, I've never had a therapist before, the only form of therapy I've had was when I got diagnosed with depression when I was 10 so It feels very scary talking about anything so maybe I'll just start from the beginning. 

So before I was born my father has been very abusive to my mom, and after I came into the world my father idolized me, making me think that my family is the problem and he's the victim and tried to turn me against them.

So for most of my life he was bad mouthing them and telling me that if I ever leave, he will kill himself and also threatened to leave me if I don't act or think exactly how he wants me to.. I was never allowed to talk to my older sister or have any kind of relationship with her until he moved out.

This honestly affected the way I view relationships, friendships, and how I view myself. 

A part of me still feels like my family dislikes me for the way he treated me compared to them. 

Anyway, when I turned 8 my little sister was born, and from that moment on I was no longer his favorite.

I do recall feeling hurt and frustration when he idolized her and made it seem like I didn't matter anymore but that feeling subsided when he no longer lived with us. 

I could remember that I was mostly isolated, I did go to school and have people I could call friends but I'd spend most of my time alone. 

And I would do something I call escapism; where I'd just spend most of my time making stories in my head about things I'm interested in, the topics of the stories only became a bit darker and more about personal trauma when I started reading Manga at the age of 10.

The things I read shaped my views of everything, and I also started watching things no 10 year old should.

And that has honestly shaped who I am today.. 

In around 2019-2020 my mom kicked my father out, and I'd visit him. 

I didn't actually have to have anything to do with him,  there was nothing physically tieing me to him but I felt it was my duty as his daughter to take care of his emotional well-being and be his personal therapist.

I only realized years later that this was wrong, and I didn't actually have to do any of this.

I was just too scared to leave. 

Anyway, this was around the same I started menstruating and from the moment it started it was ***; I would vomit constantly, I had such intense pain that I couldn't move and it was so painful I couldn't cry and sometimes that's all I'd do. 

I was scared of starting every month, and it became one of the reasons I didn't wanna live. 

I never went to any sort of doctor because of my family's beliefs and still don't really know what's wrong even now.. 

But I did start taking certain meds to help and it's been much better. 

At around 2021, I met someone around my age. 

We'll call them: Shadow. 

And because I was young and naive I instantly had a crush on them. 

And from then on my emotions were a rollercoaster, we've had ours high ups and very low downs but I honestly can say that without this person I could not have made it this far. 

___

Since around 2023, my father has been living in a different country. 

The only way I could communicate with him is through the phone, and when he would visit but that would be very rare. 

At the time, the only things I cared about were my stories, school, and Shadow. 

But I would always make sure to talk to my father no matter what.. 

This was also around the same time I decided to make my stories into my hobby, writing them down, drawing them out and making books. 

And from those years on until 2025 I've been focusing on school, my hobbies, Shadow, my friends and of course my father. 

2025 was also the year me and Shadow started dating, we had major ups and downs so low I thought it was my end. 

But I never followed through with anything even though I did do SH for a few years.

___

Going back to my family situation; my father has been trying to get me to live with him for years, and he said 2026 would be the year. 

Now I knew my mom would never follow through or let me near him because of everything he did (that I won't say because it involves forms of SA) but I felt it was still my duty to do as he says or he will kill himself.. 

___

Now its 2026, and I finally have control of my life. 

I have a job, Shadow and me are stable, I have amazing friends, i have a good diet; keeping my anxiety in check and I've been journaling everything I do and feel in my day for over a year now.

And I just couldn't take it anymore. 

All that pain, the things if never ever say to his face, the feeling I have about myself and the way I want my future to be. 

I know he's trying and has tried to be better, but he just won't change. 

He never paid child support, he never acted or made me feel like how I want my father to be, and the most painful thing is he will never care about me the same way I cared about him.. 

And now I finally had the guts to cut him off. 

It was painfully hard, and it made me spiral back into my old ways.

For about a month now I've cut all contact without telling him why, and my mother only told him recently that I'm just not okay right now.

Today is fathers day and I sent him a video of me and my little sister drawing. He instantly made it about himself telling me (not even asking) to call him when I have time. He didn't ask if I was okay, he didn't ask if I need time, he just told me that he's my dad and I should talk to him in the next few days. 

I know he had a horrible childhood and that will never excuse his actions, but I still feel horrible about  everything, I still feel like its my fault for everything and I honestly don't know if what I'm feeling is normal or what I should do because I'm really trying to do better than I was and be better to myself its just really hard to know what I'm supposed to do now.. 

... Thank you for listening, I hope you are all okay and I want you all to know that whatever you are going through is valid and your feelings matter❤️