*******Trigger Warning******* Need to talk

I kind of realised that I was ritually abused, its really hard to even type that.

i need to not diminish what they did, although it was subtle, that doesnt make it any less damaging and some people just don't understand that!

I was manipulated, neglected and psychologically abused there, and being here surrounded by so much nature, but also being away from people i can be open and honest with, its beautiful but i didn't imagine that it would be this hard.

we went to the beach this morning and it was so so similar to the beaches that we went to during the RA.

What gets to me worse though is they led me into denial of the abuse that happened. they bleached my mind of it, they told me that i imagined it, they brainwashed me.

They put my life in serious danger getting out.

with them making me believe that I didnt get raped and sexually abused by my dad means that one of their goals for me was reconcilliation with him.

he never acknowledged that he raped me and sold me for sex and they threw me back to the wolf saying that I was the problem.

he started trying to condition me again, and ignoring my boundaries, abusing me and I let him! because i was still denying it, told that it never happened. he could have killed me and it would have been their fault!

I was content you know? without them? I was happier, more stable. and now yes i've cut them off again.

being here reminds me of what they did though, the neglect, walking along the beach with swollen ankles and them saying i was attention seeking, saying that self talk is a demon that needs to be cast out and and and performing an an exorcism on me. It makes me feel sick you know?

Now I talk to myself again. No I'm not crazy.

I'm only now getting better the way that i need to.