Tw rape

I was 17 ( I am 30 now) very naive didnt know anything about relationships. This guy at uni wanted to date me and I kept saying no I’m not interested but he guilt trapped me saying his mom was sick and she wants to see him happy and he would be happy by being with me. I fell for that. He was controlling and manipulative and he guilt trapped into kissing him and going out with him although I never wanted to go out with him alone outside uni because of my culture. He said I was a bad girlfriend and I was meant to do all this so I started going out with him he once took me to a secluded place and took off his trousers without asking if it’s ok it was the first time I’ve seen mens private part I was shocked and very uncomfortable and he was like do u like it touch it I didn’t want to I said no and I asked him to cover himself but he held my hand and made me do that. with time things evolved the next time he took me to his flat and he made me get naked always with manipulation saying it’s my duty and it’s what a good girlfriend would do. I always said no at first but then he gets me to do whatever he wants. with time he started touching me I just used to lay there and do nothing. he said I should relax he would never penetrate me until one day he did without me noticing because I always used to just stare at ceiling. I found myself bleeding I was horrified I was crying I was fearing ppl would know and I didn’t know what to do. the only thing he said that day: this is consensual u wanted all of this no one forced u.

No I didn’t want that no I never wanted any of this no no no. My parents were fighting and undergoing divorce at that time and having sex before marriage is really taboo and shameful I had to keep it to myself. He then used the fact that I’m not a virgin as a way to blackmail me into having sex with him he controlled what I eat what I wear who I talked with where I went what I said (used to go furious if I call him his name I had to call him my love only) he always shamed me and reminded me that I’m basically a whore and no one would want anything to do with me if he left me and I had to just be his good girlfriend he used to make me do stuff and I basically couldn’t escape the relationship because of the threat of him telling everyone. I was miserable and scared of him for a very long time especially if a guy ever talked to me even just to ask directions I would be horrified because he would get angry and start calling me bad names.

I decided I have had enough and I can’t live like that Any consequences would be better I told him I’m done and I don’t care if he tells the world. He threatened me I can’t leave and no one would accept me he threatened to call my mom he threatened to hurt himself but I stood my ground. He didn’t do anything. He saw me at uni after and said he wanted to fix this mistake said he arranged an appointment with a clinic that was meant to stitch me up give me back my virginity I thought that was the right thing to do I went there he took a video of me there for blackmail material. they did the surgery went home I bled again so it was useless.

the relationship was a year and half of physical and mental rape and I didn’t know at the time only recently last year I started getting flashbacks and I was like this is rape I was raped but only now I know. i didn’t do anything to stop this I blame myself everyday and I blame the culture that I was in.

i never told anyone until recently when I did therapy for my anxiety I just felt like I can trust her and told her my story but I told her I don’t want to talk about it anymore I just wanted it off my chest.

i have never told any ex boyfriend I had about this and I struggle with intimacy I haven’t had penetrative sex after him even though I live somewhere else now where it’s normal and I want to do it I just am scared.

I wish I can be normal I wish I can suppress all these memories but the guilt of allowing this to happen and losing my virginity to rape is something I won’t forgive myself for.