Where do I belong (after a lifetime of trauma)?

Greetings everyone.

While I have been in this site since 2015, I've only recently came back in the hopes of simply having a meaningful conversation with someone (anyone really). Yet I won't lie to anyone here, my social skills aren't always the best, as I am agoraphobic, and have spent most of my life doing just that – isolating/ existing alone (even w/a S.O. in the past or in a crowded room)

That being said, however, what's said herein may be triggering for some.

So please, be careful and read with caution.

Apologies as well, as this is a TLDR (too long, don't read)

That being said, however, it really would be nice for a change to have a genuine/ meaningful conversation, albeit find/ be a friend, with anyone out there who might be able to relate to what's said/ shared below.

And with that....

Where does one belong, where does one find meaning or purpose among the masses in which want very little (to nothing) to do with you, while you're altogether trapped behind closed doors, watching life simply pass you by?

Granted, I know I'm not the only one on this earth in which suffers from extreme isolation. Yet, what is one to do while suffering from a plethora of crippling mental issues, with little to no support, all while finding nothing but one failed attempt to the next - trying just that – to find meaning and purpose/ if not a kind soul who will accept you for you, who won't abandon you in the end (as a friend or otherwise).

Do you feel unseen/ unheard/ has others shown you compassion and understanding within your own life (while I ask this, I do hope you have found compassion and understanding/ been seen and heard – because honestly, I would wish that on no one, being unseen/ unheard/ only left to feel as if you don't belong)?

I ask these questions because, as I'm sure you can guess by now, I speak of my own experiences here (having experienced very little kindness from others within this life). The few I have shared with/ allowed into my life – well, let's just leave it as, they've chosen a different path in the end.

Don't get me wrong, however, as I know - full well - how hard it is on those (in which live normal lives) dealing with those of us who do suffer from mental issues.

And I get it, there are some of us (who suffer) who, knowingly or unknowingly, cause life to be just that harder for those who don't suffer. Yet what about those who don't (make life harder, I mean), or do their best to avoid effecting others negatively – what about them?

At nearly 50 y/o now, I am forced to live my life a certain way, just so, others around me aren't affected by the negative aspects of what I go through on any given day. Yet after all that is said and done, the loneliness (omgoodness, the loneliness alone) is that in which I would not wish on even the worst kind of person on the face of this earth (regardless of who they are).

Because this loneliness (and I'm not just talking about your average/ everyday/ run of the mill kind of loneliness here, I'm talking about the kind in which takes lives), this kind of loneliness causes one to question their own sanity, if not worse.

The loneliness in which I speak of, in and of itself, is “one of the worst feelings” I've ever had the horrible misfortune of having experienced within this life (I would much rather have someone beat me with metal baseball bat vs endure anymore of this).

Yet when someone has experienced a lifetime of one traumatic/ life-altering event to the next, all without being able to find closure (not without the next traumatic event to come along - blind-siding you in the process), giving you little too no room to not only fully process what all happened, but also not even giving you a chance to fully heal (if that was even possible)

Since coming back from California nearly 15yrs ago - within this last decade, all my life has been existing in darkness and extreme isolation within four walls (the four best friends in which I never wanted).

No, I'm not talking about the darkness inside oneself (although that as well has been an issue, in and of itself). The kind of darkness I speak of, is that where you're (quite literally) sitting in a light-less room, where the only illumination is coming from the screen in front of you – if even that.

And yet, after all this time (on the inside) I am screaming out to be seen, to be heard, to feel like I have meaning (if not in my own life, in others around me), to feel like I am more than just an annoyance in which no one wants around, to experience more in my life than simply waking up/ eating/ existing aimlessly/ only to rinse and repeat it all over again the next day – to feel like I belong.

The loneliness in which I speak of, is the kind in which I've attempted taking my own life nearly a dozen times so far, even though (really) I don't want that whatsoever – to die, I mean (if that makes any sense).

Yet when history only seems to repeat itself, when those you've let into your life altogether find they've made a mistake/ wanting nothing more to do with you, when you have no confidence, you're unable to find any meaning or purpose within your life, when you only seem to experience traumatic events, and where you simply don't even believe In your own self - what else is an individual to do?

As I write this, I can't help but think, you're going to have people (reading this) who are going to suggest seeking professional help, albeit medications, if not to stop feeling sorry for myself (or the old classic, you get what you put out there).

Yet that's just the thing, I go out of my way to stay isolated and to myself, so that Im not triggering or affecting those around me. So, when that is said “you get what you put out there” this does not apply here. I like to think of myself as one of the most self-sacrificing, most loyal to a fault, caring/ kind/ and compassionate kind of people alive, willing to take the shirt off my back to help someone in need (although I'm sure some, who don't know me would disagree)

Listen, there isn't much out there I have not tried in terms of seeking help, seeking friendship, meaning or purpose in this life. Yet it's all been the same in the end, no one wants that which is broken (not truly anyways), not even an employer.

I have altogether fallen through the cracks of the mental health system, however, as medication, therapy, seeking so-called professional help has been nothing more than a waste of time and money. So please, if that is all you have to say, albeit suggest, I really would appreciate it if you can try and think outside the box here, so to speak, and actually have a conversation with another human being (if that's possible).

Don't mean to say that in an attempt at hurting anyone's feeling, or to offend anyone here. Yet this has not been my first rodeo, however, as I've been in and out of therapy/ on one forum's site/ online support group, to the next. And in that, I've found very few, if any, who's been able to actually do just that – see (or have a genuine conversation with) a fellow human being. Not without placating/ patronizing them with pleasantries anyways.