feel like crap

triggers for religion etc. 

feeling so crap. just deleted my post by mistake. i have no hope or community or support. i have been outside the mainstream for so long. no way to get back in. no place in this world.

they told me id burn in *** as a catholic, religion and trauma destroyed my peace of mind and life. now i have some kind of religious ocd. i am naturally drawn to christ and native indian spirituality. if i hear an animal cry out i have to pray for it, giving up control is impossible. i have to fix what cannot necessarily be fixed through prayer after that upbringing. its like magical thinking . i cannot describe it but its tormenting me to have no control in a world filled with so much suffering i cannot fix or heal. im tired. 

i write poems but the mfa mentality online is to seek and destroy, a few can give fair just criticism, the rest just want to exercise their intellect and ego. destroy your work. i took my poems down from the site. one man wrote such a beautiful poem but did not feed the machinery so was denied any feedback. it spoke to me. 

i dont know the point. i have no family or way to bond . i sit out back and stare at the trees. i create my own little world. i watched thunderheart last night. i get that movie. i dont get the world and how we can go this way century after century and not find a way to peace or love for one another in harmony with creation . it boggles the imagination and the spirit. 

i feel terrible about many things. no way to speak it. even this website is about the ego of the creators and manipulation and bondage, all things on earth are for money power gain greed hatred lust. the despair of humans and the victims of the terrible machinery will never stop unless you throw a monkey wrench and stop it. unless you dare to lay down your life like christ. few will. i will kneel in a coffee shop and incur the hatred of humans and stand up for my beliefs if need be . its not about me. it never was, except i too am made out of love, for love, to love, as are all of you. where is love for the child who grew up to be this hurting person. i am denied it all. and do not feel many days anything at all, anymore. i am sick and weak from illness and there is too much to say. i pray to heal but i am not healing. so throw me away and let my spirit saturate the earth and heal it and all living beings although i am not the messiah  . let me do something useful at last. 

out of toxicity, out of abuse, out of ravaged hatred, comes the compulsion to heal and love. let me love myself. at last.