unexpected

last session, my therapist got choked up when I was explaining what my life was like.

I really dont' know how to feel about it. How to process what that might mean. I always assume that I'm on lighter end of the trauma spectrum ( if there is such a thing). That the stuff that happened to me can't be as bad as what some other people have gone through. It's not a competition, obviously, but it feels kind of silly to explain my situation too briefly.

though at the same time, i haven't gotten around to telling my therapist all of the things i've gone through. One hour sessions just aren't long enough to do so.

I can't tell if what i'm going through now is a result of repression finally being released, or if i'm gaslighting myself that it wasn't that bad, or if i'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I'm definitely in a safe spacce and having to deal with everything latently.

It's resulting in a lot of emotional flux. I don't know what I'm doing, i don't know why i suddenly feel weaker and more sensitive to everything. I don't know. I feel like i'm drowning most of the time. I feel infantilized. I feel like i'm the only responsible one i know. I feel disregulated. I hate it.

I want to sleep for 12 hours a day and stay up late and do nothing but goof around on the internet and read for days at a time. I want to binge all the snacks but also eat good meals every day. I wish i could brush my teeth more often. I wish i could show my therapist all the writing i do, all the things i don't have time to say, all the stuff i forget when i'm trying to cram everything into an hour session.
I wish i could remember further back than a week at a time.

it's hard to admit that you need help. it's hard to be in a position to need help. I don't even know what kind of help that i need, i just know that i need it.