Dealing with conflict as a Trauma Survivor
I've been thinking about this topic a lot recently and I thought that I would share my reflections here for those of you who are interested. I'd love to hear your thoughts too!
Conflict is a toughie, I mean for everyone, let alone those who have had trauma in their life. I know my hubby hates any kind of conflict and I've spent many years working on communicating with him in ways that are less triggering for us both. It was totally worth the effort as we get along amazingly these days and are able to feel safe being honest and vulnerable and feel heard.
I observed in myself that I got triggered a lot by things and that would cause me to 'relive' thought patterns from the past. As an adult I felt like the silenced child or would feel overly angry at things and not understand what was happening. So here are the things I've reflected on that I feel have been healthy and unhealthy in conflicts...
The healthy:
Knowing our inner truth about a situation is a massive step in navigating conflict.
It gives us a point of reference to our own inner boundaries of who we are and the values we embody. Only after we understand this can we start looking at healthy boundaries and have insight into where these are not being upheld by others.
Using our voice, to say ‘hey thats not ok for me. I see this issue and this is what I need to feel safe… It is ok to share the information in order to allow others to make up their own minds with as much information as possible.
Knowing when your pleas are falling on deaf ears and giving yourself permission to disengage and even walk away.
Giving yourself time and space to process your feelings at each of these stages of conflict in order to articulate your ‘self.
The unhealthy:
We all need to feel heard and feel validated but this doesnt mean that the other parties must agree with us. There might be many reasons that they disagree, they might need to hold onto a belief to feel safe or your perspective might not reflect their personal sense of truth.
Black and white thinking – This can arise in many ways, if you dont believe me your ‘bad and if you believe me you are on my side you are ‘good. We all need to feel permission to hold our own truth and let others hold theirs. We also would had to feel labelled as all ‘good or ‘bad because objectively there is amazing things about all of us and stuff we need to work on.
Acting in the heat of the moment, communicating using anger to add power to your words. You words have value and meaning because they are how you feel.
What do you feel you need for healthy conflict resolution? What do you find unhealthy for you?
@LifeIsMyCanvas
that's a really good topic, thank you for bringing that up....
well, for me, yeah conflicts are horribly awful... I'm bad at setting boundaries, this saying 'this is not ok for me' even that is difficult for me... cause telling that somebody could lead to an argument, to a conflict or even only to somehow a bad mood... those 'bad moods', well, sth like bad vibes, that's toxic for me... the worst is passive agressive behaviour or sth like hidden messages in words... I am actually quite good about resolving conflicts when somebody is honest with me and tells me what the problem is, but it has to be in a calm an reasonable way... as soon as there is a raised voice or sth like passive agressive behaviour, like they are saying sth but meaning sth different, well, can't handle that at all... I can't handle anger, not my own, I'm rarely really angry... but other people's anger, only have to read or hear it somewhere, doesn't even have to be directed at me, well, if then it's worse... but just reading words written in anger, well, that gets to me... I know, I am hypersensitve about such things... but yeah, if somewhere is too much anger, too much conflict around, I can't be me anymore, I'm avoiding the situation, I just have to walk away, hide somewhere and wait til the storm passes... there are probably better ways to handle that, for sure, but for now, this is how I am....
@courteousNorth5140
I very much relate hun, especially to the anger being triggering. My hubby is sweet but he only knows how to express hurt as anger so it was very very triggering for the first half or our marraige until I was able to be vulnerable enough to tell him about why and how I needed him to talk different. It's also why I try not to put anger in my words and take a break before I try and deal with a situation because I don't want to trigger other people in the conflict situation. I still express my anger, but in a healthy way, away from the situation and so I am safe releasing it.
You raise a good point though, the 'passive' punishments for displeasing others can hurt just as much. The bad vibes, maybe even silent treatment and such. I remember those from my mother, being neglected, not fed etc... equally as dangerous in my opinion!
I'm planning to work on some things for creating boundaries as trauma survivors next so hopefully some of that might be helpful to you. In the mean time, I'd really recommend the Boundaries self help guide, you can find it here: https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/ - it seriously changed my life!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
thank you very much Canvas... yes, I'd really love to read how you explain the whole boundaries topic... I read that self-help guide, I think somehow the whole concept of it didn't really sink in yet... and I think it's partly because of what you wrote in your post below, this being afraid of dissapointing people... so if I set a boundary, I might dissapoint somebody, I'd have to explain why I need that boundary, I'd have to defend it... so yeah, I guess not having boundaries, or not thinking about them, is probably just the easier way... well, I have opinions, and I can defend them, I'm not bad at discussions... but only if it's not about me personally 
so I'm gonna read and learn... thank you very much for that thread, really....
Some more reflections: Avoiding conflict because we are afraid of disappointing others
This one is inspired by my hubby. He's not a fan of conflict because he is one of those sweet souls who wants to make everyone happy and gets upset when he realises he's only human and can't possibly always make everyone happy. I started to think about this from a trauma perspective... I mean as a child for me... pleasing my abusers, not speaking up meant staying alive. So a fear of displeasing others was a survival technique which was very much needed at the time but quite honestly is not healthy for me as an adult and has led me vulnerable to others manipulating my good nature to get what they need from me at my expense.
In a true canvas post, I have a video for you! This one is by Mel Robbins and talks about how her strategy as a 4 year old surviving trauma doesnt serve her now as an adult and I thought it was perfect for this topic! It might trigger you so please ground yourself before watching 
Great topic. I now I am constantly faced with the conflict of others who stigmatize mental health and trauma so you feel like a damn outcast everywhere. I have learned who I can safely talk to and who I cant as I work on setting certain boundaries and connecting with a therapist. Have a blessed day
