Anxiety and overthinking while having sex due to bad memories ( trigger! )

Hello guys :)

I'm F. and i have problems doing anything that involves male genitals with my fiancee lately because when i see them i often get so anxious that i want to curl up into a ball and cry.

That's really upsetting and annoying to me even though my fiancee is very understanding, but first things first.

When i was 9 i became friends with a boy who was three years older than me. It came to the point where he didn't want to play anymore but rather just lay in bed all day having almost no clothes on. It scared me but i didn't want to say no because i didn't want to hurt him. It got worse and worse until the point where i have a memory of a dark room (curtains closed) where i fled his bed into the other corner of the room just to have him come after me with the blanket. I don't remember anything more than just this overwhelming anxiety in that moment.

I also don't remember what happened under the blanket all the hours we spent our time there... i think i supressed those memories.

7 years later, when i got 16, i had my first real boyfriend. Due to certain incidests he had an other expectation of our first date at his house... he talked me into taking of my shirt and bra and lying in bed with him playing around... i got so anxious that i jumped up again and again just to run back and forth in his room like a cornered animal. I just couldn't say no. I didn't want to hurt him. Stupid me. About 2 weeks later he forced me to touch him by taking my hand and putting it between his legs ignoring my "no" and my struggling because he thought of it as a joke. About a week later i thing he even shoved my hand into his pants i can't remember clearly anymore. Again he didn't want to do me harm i just didn't say no clear enough. Plus he always made me feel bad for not being able to have an *rg*sm.

Last in the row there was a man who knew of the first to things but still talked me into taking his p*n*s into my mouth.

My biggest struggles are the feeling that i don't have the right to feel bad about that because i didn't say no clear enough and accepting and coping with what happened.

Followed by the constant overthinking during s*x if my partner likes what i am doing and if he will be sad about the fact that i won't c*m (sorry for the detail but i have to let that out).

Followed by the suddely occuring fears of genitals (especially when i'm trying to have something with someone for the first time).

I just dont know what to do and the therapist i had for 1 1/2 years didn't seem to think it was that bad...