Bearing the burden of silence: when to speak out?
I was sexually abused for a period of time over 15 years ago, since then I have confided about this experience with onlya handful of people and never any family members. I was abused by a family member and knowing how the truth of what happened would irreversibly damage our family unit I vowed that I would bear the burden of my silence as a sacrifice for my family.
Recently however events have made me question my choice. You see, my abuser has gotten engaged to be married and for me this has raised a torrent of new emotions and fears. Obviously his wife-to-be knows nothing of what happened and I'm wondering whether she needs to.
I have always felt that keeping my silence was the kinder thing to do for the greater good but now I feel like this secret needs to be shared with her. If I knowingly let her marry someone who has the ability to be abusive surely that makes me just as terrible as he is? I know though that once our secret is told I can never repair the damage.
I'm so frightened - I don't know what the right thing to do is. Can anybody offer some advice, please?
@upsanddowns23
Firstly, can I say I am so sorry about what happened to you. Nobody should have that happen to them. Congratulations for being so brave and getting through everything.
I can understand this from both perspectives. I can understand why you would want to 'keep the peace' and not tell your family.You've kept it for so long. You're right, coming out about it will change things, and it will affect your family. But your family love you and surely they would support you in righting this wrong. That may not be the case in this situation but in most cases, families are horrified to find out and will support you in pressing charges. I understand the fear of not wanting to dig up old dirt, so to speak.
but also, how many more people will this person abuse if nobody knows they are an abuser. Are you certain it hasn't happened to someone else? If this person has an abusive history (and 15 years is a lot of history) then the fiance may be getting themselves into unknown danger.
It is a lot of pressure to put on you that you don't deserve but there is a lot of support out there to help people who have been victims of sexual abuse to speak up and put the blame onto their abusers once and for all. Only you can make that choice. I would suggest going to a support group for people who have been sexually abused and speaking to them about your concerns. They can offer support and advice but ultimately the choice is up to you. If you can find the strength in you to stand up to your abuser, then i would suggest making that choice because of the relief you will feel after letting it out and having this secret come to light. People who hurt people should be accountable for their actions. Why should you have to suffer like that for 15 years, and continue to suffer, when this person has basically got away with it??
@upsanddowns23 Hello. Firstly, I'm so very sorry for what you've been through. To have then stayed silent for so long, it's both terrible and admirable. The strength you have, to become bigger than the situation you were forced in, it's inspiring. The situation now, well. Some things in life are damning either way, have serious consequences no matter what you choose. My first thought would be if they have children, which I'm guessing is on your mind? If they do, which is likely, then being very honest, the choice is made for you, which would be to speak up. What comes across in your post, more than anything, is a protectiveness towards others. I doubt very much you could remain silent. Nor do you have to. You've shouldered so, so much for a long time. The most heartfelt advice I can give is, tell someone in your family. Yes, it will have consequences because once said, there's no going back, but whatever those consequences are, they can't be as bad as the possibility he could abuse again, or the strain of your living life feeling he could. He took control away from you, but you're in control now, you are empowered to prevent it ever happening to someone else. It's not a burden anyone should ever have, but you are bigger and brighter and stronger than it ever could be. I write this purely by trying to think what I would do, so maybe a good first step would be to look in your area for advice and support groups for people who have been sexually abused. I think the best people to talk to are the people who have faced your situation. They'll have a perspective others simply won't have. Whatever you decide to do, it will be honest and right because it comes from a good, loving place. It comes from you. If ever you need to talk, you can. I'm here to listen. Take care.
