Choosing and broken
How to choose? . Your insurance pays for your meds and a painful physical ailment if you use a certain insurance that's more affordable, but it doesn't cover the therapist you see for CPTSD/ MDD. SERIOUSLY ! A previous insurance ( more expensive) I had paid for Therapist but not the painful physical condition and the expensive brand medication I need. ( It doesn't have a generic option) why do I even try no matter what or how I rearrange this mess I'm without what I need. I have a couple of serious conditions that need treatment/meds. It's like why do I bother to try. Just dealing with the fallout of trauma and CPTSD is enough to try to get through.... apparently that doesn't matter. My mental injury was caused by another person and my physical condition is hereditary and very painful. It's just more torment for me to cope with. I'm on disability, i don't have $$ to pay out of pocket for care I need because others abused me so badly to cause my CPTSD ( more than one person). Some days I just can't stand my many forms of pain and challenges. I don't want to leave my home to do anything. I just want the sh** to stop pouring down on me. I want to put my hand up and scream STOP! I'm broken already isn't that enough! ABB💜 ( Thank you 7cups for being a safe place for me)
@amiableBlackberry92
Its not fair. They destroy lives and leave the ones they ruin to pick up the pieces. You shouldn't have to choose between the two. They should both be available with out having to decide one or the other. I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else
Is there anyway you could get your meds on a discount? Like they have those if your having trouble buying your meds to contact them and they can help? Sorry - if youve allready looked into it - they show those commercials all the time - just made me think of them
@mytwistedsoul...thx for responding,yes I tried. I appreciate your words of support. I just feel like life has run me over with the proverbial freight train. I'm in alot of physical pain which really is getting to me. I have been through so much, I just can't take this pain. Pain changes ppl. It changes me. It's so very hard to deal with day in and out and this is going to go on for probably a couple years. I've experienced it before it's how I know. It's so absolutely pervasive. I feel punished. This affliction is a trigger, I see my abuser every day in it. I was making progress but I'm pulled back to that time of abuse I'm trying so hard to get past. No one can help me. I just have to endure and it's sucking the broken pieces of life out of me...my poor spouse...this is affecting him too...I'm so sorry to him..I thought I had already hit the deepest darkness of my life but there seems there's more. You are so kind/ strong to be here to listen thx so very much.💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm sorry for all the pain you're dealing with. You're absolutely right - it does change you. It's a constant reminder of the past and it's inescapable and it often reaches a point where it totally consumes you. It does feel like punishment. I'm sorry you've been dealing with it for so long - it really does s*ck
I'm sorry to hear it's affecting your spouse too - I hope he understands that this isn't something you chose and that you're doing the best you can with the circumstances you've been handed. Sometimes I think the cards are stacked against us from the moment we're born
There allways seems to be more doesn't it? For everything you unpack - there are three more boxes waiting for the same and the deeper you dig the worse it gets it seems
I admire your strength and courage - you're trying so hard to move past all of this
Take care of yourself - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul. Thx for your truthful and kind response. You hit that spot on.....more boxes ......I'm in excruciating pain from muscle spasms this morning.. I took a muscle relaxer last night but obviously it didn't work. I'm grateful to have you and all the wonderful ppl here to help me get thru this .....one second at a time today. It's going to be a long day......💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 You're welcome :)
It's a hard way to spend the day. Taking something that should help and doesn't is frustrating. And the pain makes you hold yourself tense - which just makes it even worse. Sometimes distractions help alittle but most times they don't
I'm glad we can help in anyway you might need and I hope that you can find some relief today and the pain subsides - even if its just alittle. Sometimes that little bit makes a big difference
@mytwistedsoul...I'm a little better, my therapist gave me suggestions. I have access to an unground pool at my son's and she thinks that will help. I'll go tomorrow,bin pretty tired I'm on some relax meds for anxiety because it's out of control right now. I napped that helped. Spouse picked up food so we don't have to cook. The anti anxiety med helps with muscle spasms. I have Flexeril but my God that stuff knocks me out. I'm glad we are friends here. I think we relate very well to each other. Pls let me know how you are doing and if I can help you too by listening. I of all ppl have seen it all so to speak so I understand trauma and how it affects ppl. Hoping you are good today 💜 ABB 🙏
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm glad you were feeling better - I hope that still stands. Hanging out at your sons pool sounds like a great way to relax. With the buoyancy of the water there's not as much stress and strain on the body. I hope it helps
It was nice talking with you here - I have a problem with isolating. Between anxiety and depression and the mixed messages I get from here - alot of times I feel like I should just be quiet. The past few months a few things happened that made it worse. Even now lol - I'm measuring what I should and shouldn't say and alot of times it's hard for me to explain what's going on in my head. I guess I carry alot of old childhood rules with me still. Dont speak unless spoken to - be seen but not heard - out of sight out of mind. Just got a refresher course on that one by someone who was my best friend - she not anymore of course - because I messed that up. I'm good at that - sorry lol - TMI :)
I'm better at giving support then receiving it but then I worry about bothering people when I check in with them here 😅
@mytwistedsoul...your rules are exactly like the ones I had as a kid.. we have alot in common...and I'm sorry about your friend. I hear you , I isolate alot too. I can't trust and my relationship skills are lacking because we were never taught any when we were young. It's all skills I don't have. We only learned survival skills...And btw you are never bothering me. I'm happy to be here to break the isolation for you. It's not good to be alone in all this. I'm struggling with a pinched nerve on top of all my other pain.. seriously there is no peace for me. You can message me anytime. I'm around here alot looking for support....or giving support. I feel terrible about the suffering of others because I know how much it hurts. ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 Those rules really messed things up didn't they? I am so sorry you had them too - It adds a degree of difficulty with people - making and keeping relationships with people when the ones who brought you into the world see you as unworthy
Oh wow a pinched nerve sounds really painful! Is there anything that can help it or is it just something that you need to give time to heal? Did you get to go to the pool?
:) I'm usually around alot too off and on during the day - I usually just keep to the shadows and type and delete alot of things
I never realized there were so many people suffering from things I was too - I allways figured that I was just a really bad person. I know now that it's not just me and I wish I could do more to help other's who are suffering too. I used to reach out to more people but lately - I don't have much faith in the words I offer them
@mytwistedsoul....I hear you....ppl are tough and you can't count on them to be there when you need them. The pinched nerve I think will resolve eventually, its related to my other painful affliction. Like a side affect. I'm just touching it out. I've not been to the pool yet I'm just out of it. Maybe later today idk. It's hard to get motivated. I'm tired from pain. I'm hanging in, glad to just have someone here my age to relate to. Pls know I care and I'm here and I'm sorry you are suffering too. Ppl need to be kind to others, right!?💜ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Tbh - I've never had anyone I could count on. Its allways been me against them. They're right - I'm wrong. They're good - I'm bad. But - this is the funny part - they console each other by saying it's not their fault I am the way I am
I hope it resolves its self soon - there allways seems to be something that hurts doesnt it? I hate to think how bad this body is going to hurt in another ten years or so. Some days we just have to sit and do nothing. Motivation can wait
@mytwistedsoul, seriously the only person we know is reliable is ourselves.( Broken tho we may be). I've been burned by many including a sibling so I totally understand. I've been reading Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. -7 secrets to happy relationships. I have to say he's my favorite self help author. He talks about our judge/ victim inside and how we need to love ourselves. I got it on Amazon. I'm reading it for the second time, I don't always retain things well. It's been like a comfortable blanket for me. I journal alot too . .it helps because there's no worry in trust being broken or judgement from my journal. 💜ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I used to think it would have been nice to have a sibling. Like a United front against the enemy but then I found out that parents pit kids against each other. I can't imagine - I'm an only child
I have a hard time keeping things retained too and I forget alot - so I'm sorry upfront if I repeat or ask something more then once
I'll have to look for that book. I don't love any part of myself I think that's a big problem but I'm not sure I know how to stop the hatred
It was nice talking with you today - thank you. I hope you're able to get some rest and a break from the pain
@mytwistedsoul ...I have 3 sibs and we were unable to get close to each other and we couldn't help each other or we would be punished more. One of my sibs hates the rest of us. He blames everything on us. It doesn't make sense. We block him. Don't apologize for anything ....I never mind , I'm super patient and I don't judge ppl ever. I hated myself and never thought I was worthy of anything and I allowed ppl to use and abuse me because that was what I knew. I've started working on my relationship with myself through therapy. I am better about my worth but I still feel defective. I never ask for anything nor do I have any boundaries with ppl. I'm trying to practice these things. Not easy when it's all you know. I hope you know that you are worthy and deserving of the best of everything. You are-- therefore you are worthy! I enjoy talking to you too , I hope my posts helps you feel less alone. I'm here 💜 ABB
Waiting it out**
I think we did think we were "bad kids" when we were little because we were told that. It makes us feel defective but we are not!! @mytwistedsoul...your perfect just the way you are! 💜ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 It's a bad habit - apologizing all the time. Sometimes it feels like I just need to say I'm sorry for everything. It doesn't even have to be my fault and I can feel sorry for it
Do you and you other siblings have any kind of relationship now? Except for the one who blames everyone else of course - It's ok too if you'd rather not say
Therapy started here alittle over two years ago - but the past year it wasn't in person - which made it really hard but we just went back to face to face - but it's allmost like starting at the beginning because the therapist feels like a stranger again. I'm glad that you feel better about your worth and that therapy is helping you with that. I guess even after making some steps in a good direction that defective feeling still remains. I've been told it could have something to do with the fact that there aren't any answers to the why questions so our brains grasp onto the only logical solution we see and that is because we're defective even if we're not. Or even if the reason we are the way we are is because of how we were raised - that why question still remains
Boundaries? Those are an issue here too - I can't even say for certain what mine are because I seem to put up with alot from people - eventually walls will come up but the timing is confusing I guess for everyone involved - It's complicated isn't it?
Thank you - they have helped me feel less alone :)
I hope you're having a good day and that your pain isn't as bad today. Hopefully you got a chance to go enjoy the pool
Take care ok?
@mytwistedsoul....I had to go to the chiropractor, I had a neck impingement due to my other affliction. Omg I felt horrible this morning. She helped straighten me out. She said your heads on crooked hahaha....knew that ...I feel a ton better just sore. I do have a good relationship with my sister, she's more like a mom she's older by 9 years. I cried for a long time when she moved out at 18. I do talk with my baby brother he's not an issue. Therapy is great but it's not a fix all kind of thing. It helps alot. I'm just struggling with so much all at once my depression can't handle it. I feel so alone and depressed today. I go up and down on the rollercoaster of emotions. Im making a list of things to be grateful for right now. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes nothing helps. I'm glad you have a therapist some can't find one .... Your not alone in all this I'm here suffering along side you. I'm so unmotivated when I'm this down. I can't bring myself to do stuff. I'm sad inside , really sad. I wonder how's my situation supposed to improve, I've been working on it for 3years already. I guess it's somewhat better I'm not suicidall anymore. I don't want to get old and in a wheelchair like my parents. That scares me so much. Thx so much for being here it means alot especially on days like today...💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Oh wow - I'm sorry you felt so bad this morning - it's good the chiropractor was able to help. Hopefully the soreness goes away soon
I'm glad you have good relationships with the other two siblings and can talk
Tbh - therapy is hard - there's allways something - I'm still working through the recent stuff and haven't spent much time lately on the past stuff. This is the fourth therapist lol. There's things I'm having trouble accepting sometimes with diagnoses I've been given
I'm sorry your depression is as bad as it is today. It's been an issue here lately - worse then it used to be. You're right - sometimes nothing helps. I hope you can remember too that you're also not alone with what you're going through - even though at times it feels as though we are. In those times we could stand in the middle of a crowded room and feel lost and alone
Sometimes we have to just let things go and not do anything - think of it as resting - plus with just being to the chiropactor it's probably good for your muscles to be able to rest and to put a positive spin on it - think of it as self care :)
It feels like everything takes forever sometimes doesn't it? When all we want is to just be able to move forward and feel good about ourselves - there's allways something. That would scare me too - being confined to a wheelchair - I don't think I could handle that at all
You're welcome - I'm glad I stopped by - I had to fight with anxiety for awhile but woo hoo - I won :)
You're welcome to tag me if you ever need someone to talk to - even if you'd just like someone to sit with you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul I'm floating in my son's pool. They aren't here but like being alone sometimes especially when I'm so down .....Im so GLAD I found you. Your right I gotta accept and let things go. I'm stubborn. I tend to want to fight acceptance. I'm in this pool praying to God to help me find something good and something thats all mine. I've always been the giver. I never ask for anything. I want something special that's all me. I'd love to write a book. Idk if I have the skills to do that. I started a young adult story but I've not been able to work on it lately. I'm too sad and other stuff getting in the way. 💜ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 That sounds like a wonderful way to spend sometime. Some alone time and hopefully alittle peacefulness
I hope one day soon maybe we can both find acceptance for things and even if we can't let it go maybe we can at least move forward enough to just be. I think I'd like that - to just be - content - comfortable with myself
Writing a book sounds amazing! I can understand how it would be hard though but I bet you would do great with it. Maybe now - with seeing the chiropractor - some of the pain you're dealing with will ease and with it thw depression will lift alittle. Maybe you could imagine things about the story. Like the setting and the charactors
Try to be patient with yourself ok? God I know it's so hard to do but - good things will come - you deserve them. I am really glad I visited this thread when I did - tbh I allmost left the day before. I'm really glad I met you :)
@mytwistedsoul...your welcome to share too. I'm a good listener because I know how hard it is to share the dark side .....some can't handle our dark stuff. Trust issues too. Here I don't worry about trust because it's safe, anonymous. Love 7 cups 💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 My journey here at cups hasn't been as good tbh. Had some trouble with a few people and some listeners made it hard to reach out to any others afterwards. I get censored alot but only on my own stuff
Self harm brought me here first - that's what started the therapy. Plus alot of anxiety and not sleeping. The past few months the depression has gotten worse but the anxiety makes its presence known some days are worse then others with it
There's alot of physical pain - there were alot of broken bones in childhood
Emotions are a big problem because they get repressed alot of times and when I do feel them - Idk if they're the right ones and I don't know what to do with them. There's alot of dissociation and I lose track of time alot
I don't like myself and I do think I'm a bad person but I try to do good things because like you said - we know what it's like and I try to use the past to keep me gentle but lately I worry that it made me bitter and I worry that maybe I'm a narcissist - ive been told I'm not but its just something I worry about because maybe I have everyone fooled - lol - Idk if that makes sense
I use humor sometimes as a release and sometimes I can be alittle snarky but lately even that has been repressed
@mytwistedsoul I do woodwork normally but I haven't touched anything since Sept. But I like growing things. This is the only place I really socialize but I have started joining a few live chats with musicians the past month
There's no contact with 95% of family and I have no friends - just a dog and a cat and guppies lol
@mytwistedsoul..I'm so so sorry you have had such a rough time. I'm sorry that it's been bumpy here on cups. I can say my experience here is not perfect.... I find growing up in such a violent disfunctional place it divides the ones inside the circle and you don't learn how to function outside of the house. Relationships and communication are so difficult. For a long time I blamed all around me for why I was so unhappy as an adult....but it was my damage it made it impossible for me to really connect with ppl normally. I needed to face it and accept it and I have an undue amount of pain/ damage... I also endured an assault in the last recent years which brought me to my darkest place. I didn't think I was going to make it tbh. But my sis begged me to get help. It took months of her pestering me but it worked I'm still here. It's hard to trust ppl when the ones who birthed you rejected, beat, raged and totally put you on eggshells. They broke all 4 of us, that was the goal to break and controll us. It made me fear ppl all ppl. All the damage was eating me alive from the inside. It finally burst out and I had to face it all. During all this I was in a job where the boss was a big #ss bully. I broke bad ....I'm better but I have some stuff CPtsd / MDd/ anxiety. Nothing to just get over. But I'm trying to function. Not working because of my condition. I'm so glad you have hobbies, being in the garden is awesome too. I love sitting outside any chance I get. Pets help a ton too. They love you no matter whats going on. Interacting with some ppl here feels safer than real face to face. My fear keeps me away from ppl. I came to cups because I needed more help than therapy once a week. I've had 3 listeners here. One went away, one is on/ off - I understand tho. The 3rd one I think couldn't handle my heavy stuff... I do like to share with ppl in community so they know they're not alone. It helps me to help them. I know the pain of abuse and it hurts badly so if I can ease one person's pain for a few minutes it's a good thing. You have a friend here ok....💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm sorry for what you've been through too and for what your siblings went through. Alot of time was spent trying to stay one step ahead - be a mind reader. The rest of the time was spent staying out of sight - out of the way. It makes it hard to be around people when you feel like you're allways on guard
I'm sorry that you suffered another assault later on - I can understand why that took you to a much darker place - history repeating it's self and reopening of old wounds. I'm glad your sister pestered you into getting help and that it did help get out of that deep dark place and to have to deal with a bully boss - kind of like the last straw and it was just to much to bear anymore
I find myself wondering why people who seem to hate their kids so - why they had them in the first place. You can't just get over this stuff - not when it's the building blocks we're built from. If it was something that we could just get over - don't people think we would if we could? I love being outside too! Sometimes the walls of the house feel too confining - but outside is room to breathe. The house is surrounded by woods here - so theres plenty of wildlife all the time - Animals are easier - you pretty much know where you stand with an animal - it either likes you or it doesn't - it doesn't pretend to be nice
The list of listeners on this end is OMG - amazingly long lol! The first two asked me if I ever murdered anyone - that was a problem for awhile - but I'm not violent - confrontations tend to shut me down. The third one - started out good but ended badly. The rest were people just met in the general queue but I have one now that's pretty cool - they're really open minded and will listen to anything - they're been a really big help - especially with trying to work through everything with the friend I did have. I used to share alot here - I was actually alot more involved with the community and had even stepped in and did a few checkins for the trauma community when they were short handed - but things started to fall apart and i find myself drifting farther away from people - it didn't help that someone told me that I shouldn't seek support for something that was going on and this stupid head took it to mean not to look for support at all
How are you today? Were you able to get any rest and relief from the pain and soreness?