Coming to terms with the truth. TRIGGERING
For a long time, I didn't acknowledge what happened to me was rape. I thought, well, I was making out with him. I let it get too far. I should have tried to stop him sooner if I didn't want it. How could I expect to lead him on like that and not follow through?
I was young, oh so very young and naive. A Virgin when i met him. I remember looking in a Mirror for a long time, him in the bedroom, me in the bath, trying to control the bleeding. My roommate asleep in the other room. I looked in that mirror and I told myself "it was going to happen eventually. What's done is done." But hadn't I said no, just before? Hadn't I? Hadn't I told him I was a virgin and he promised to use his vile, lying tongue?
Still, you can't un-ring a bell.
So I told myself I wasn't raped. I was fine. People lost their v cards all the time. No need to be a pansy about it.
So I saw him again. We started dating. We got married within a month.
Of course he didn't rape me, continually, for years, warp everything that is beautiful about lovemaking until I didn't even know what that word meant. Why would I have married him, right? I'd have to really stupid marry my rapist. Even if it was true... even if it was, who the hell would believe me? This was my life. I did this. My fault.
Eventually I got the courage to leave him. It took me years after to be able to say the words "he raped me."
And I have reached the max length. Continued on next post.
So it took me a long time to start dealing, and I am still struggling terribly. Recently the nightmares got worse. It's not just about him, either, it's nightmares about being sold into sex slavery, being raped a million times, being so scared. It's so terrifying.
I am remarried now. I feel like I can't talk to my husband about it. He knows, I did say the words, but I can't talk about when I am feeling violated by dreams over and over again. I hate keeping things from him, it is just dont know how to express what I am feeling. Or if there are even words available to express it.
I am just so tired.
Good day @Aelphaba
♥ I am so sorry to hear what happened to you, and I would just like to tell you that it is in no way your fault. You don't ever have to feel guilty about it. ♥
I would encourage you to try and talk to your husband about what you are feeling and about your nightmares even though it might be difficult for both of you. If he is a loving caring man he will try to understand and support you were he can and perhaps it would make you feel better.
All of the best to you.
@Aelphaba
Also remember, God loves you. And you can talk to Him. HE will always be there for you.
@TallApple138 I'm actually an atheist, but thank you.
Why are you an atheist?
Sorry if it bothers you that I ask, or if it's inappropriate to start such a conversation in your time with need. @Aelphaba
@TallApple138 because there is no evidence of the existence of god. The Bible is not sufficient evidence. All it does is provide confirmation bias.
@Aelphaba
Okay.. I get that.. and i respect that. but there is a lot of evidence of God, and if you just look, you will see it. Would you mind if try to show you there is a God? Would you be open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe there is a God?
@TallApple138 only if you are equally open to the possibility that there is not.
Yes sure. @Aelphaba
Let me start of by asking if you believe in evolution or how do you believe humans were created?
@TallApple138 yes, evolution is the reason humans are on the earth. It is not a belief, however, so much as a scientifically proven fact.
@Aelphaba
I don't really know where to start.. anyways.. let's start at the beginning of the earth and evolution.. I believe God created us, because if He didn't how do you explain humans? Yeah I guees we could say we are all smart monkeys*, but then we'd have to ask, where did the monkeys come from? Did they evolve from other animals? Where did that animals come from? Did they evolve from plants? Where did the plants come from?
For me It makes a lot more sense that there was an amazing God who created us, and the animals and the trees and plants, and birds and fish. ( like explained in Genisis 1)
Another thing that makes me doubt evolution is the fact that they found the skull of a giant. I understand that there is no space for giants in the evolution theory ( and this also proves that the Bible or atleast parts of it is true since Golliath was a giant, 1 Samuel 17)
I still have a lot more to say by the way. This is just a start.
With all respect Evolution is just a theory and not a scientific fact
( calling us smart monkeys is fun, I don't mean it disrespectful, I know evolution says apes and humans come both from the same ancestors and therefore we aren't really apes but smart monkeys are a easier way to describe it)
@TallApple138 nevermind. I can't engage with anyone who disguises myth as fact. Have a nice life.
@Aelphaba
I am sorry if I somehow made myth seem as a fact, could you point out where I did that?
@Aelphaba
I still have a lot more to say, but in the meantime please read a few articles that states evolution is wrong. Just search on the internet whether evolution is true or not.
And thank you for giving me this opportunity.
@TallApple138 unless they articles are published in peer reviewed scientific journals, they are not credible. Why would I trust a Christian site to tell me the truth when they have an agenda?
@Aelphaba
You don't have to read on christian sites. Many scientists disagree with the evolution theory, if you do a little bit of research and for one moment accept that you might be wrong, you will see why.
Why do you believe in evolution?
@TallApple138 because it is what I learned in school, in college, and in every natural history museum I have ever been in. Because I have listened to many interviews with scientists and paleontologists supporting the theory, many PBS style specials including Nova and cosmos, and because it is generally accepted as true by everyone I trust. It also makes logical sense. It is viewable in fruit flies because of their short life span. You can literally see evolutionary changes take place. It is viewable in the fossil record. It does not require belief in what cannot even seen.
@Aelphaba
No disrespect at all.. I just want to get this straight, you believe evolution because other people said it is true? You have never questioned it? Or wondered if maybe they are wrong? I have found many sites ( not christian sites, sites that does not even mention the bible, that says evolution is wrong. There are articles by scientists that says evolution is just a theory and not proven)
For years people believed the earth was flat, and the idea that it might be round was seen as absurd but today we know the earth is round. Science proved that, science proved scientist before them wrong ( interestingly the bible states the earth is round long before scientists proved it)
@Aelphaba
These are just a few of the sites that says evolution is wrong and not proven. You yourself said it is a theory. It's a theory not a scientific fact. Just consider the idea that evolution might be wrong, I have read about evolution. At first I thought believe it is true, but then I saw so many articles stating it is wrong, and scientists saying it's not possible. And then I heard it's just a theory, everyone calls it the evolution theory, not the evolution fact.
* Note: I did not read all of these articles, therefore I can not be sure of the evidence in them but I have read many other articles in my life. If you don't trust the websites I found, please feel free to research it yourself.
https://humansarefree.com/2013/12/9-scienctific-facts-prove-theory-of.html?m=0
https://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread163678/pg1
https://www.thecollectiveint.com/2014/10/nine-scientific-facts-prove-theory-of.html?m=0
https://www.rotteneggs.com/site/stories/9af41cc0-9c9a-11e0-b645-41d1d56251a4/10_reasons_evolution_is_wrong/
Please read about the scientific evidence against evolution.
@TallApple138 you said it was a theory, not me.
@TallApple138 you accuse me of simply believing what others say. How are your articles any different?
@TallApple138 if you can direct me to a valid, peer reviewed, scientific journal which supports your assertion, I will gladly read it.
@TallApple138 I also gave you other reasons why I believe it. Please refute those as well.
@TallApple138 those sites have so proof to their assertions. Stop posting. I am done.
@Aelphaba
Last post ( promise) but it's long so I would probally post it in seprates posts
I am sorry if it sounds like I am trying to prove myself right, I am not trying to do that. I was open to the idea that God might not be real , but the more I read about science and evolution the more I realise God is real ( sorry if it offends you). I have seen His presence, His work, I have felt Him in my heart. I have seen prayer work and miracles happen.
A cross is of importance to christians. I find it interesting that an improtant part of the human body is a cross, Laminin, not sure if you heard about it before, it's in the shape of a cross. that's unrelated sorry.
Even science is proving the bible.
I am sorry, I am not trying to force my beliefs down on you, I am just trying to share with you what I experienced from God. For many years i wasn't close to God and my life fell apart, but when I found Him again, I found this weird happiness it doesn't mean bad things doesn't still happen its just now I don't worry about it as much. Now I feel happier even with those things because God is there for me
I am sorry, so so sorry if I sounded at all aggressive, annoyed, stubborn, rude or cruel, I did not mean to, I just wanted to show you ( with love) why I believe in God.
@TallApple138 please stop
@Aelphaba
You seem to have so much pain and perhaps anger towards this world and when I felt that way, God helped me. When I felt abandoned and betrayed by this world, God was there for me, and I hoped you could allow Him to help you. I really believe God can help you and that God is real. But if you choose not to believe that or not to give God a chance I understand ( you have a right to believe what you wish)
( that's another thing that is so amazing about my Lord Jesus, He never forces us, He gives us free will. HE wants us to choose Him, but He won't force us)
I am really sorry that i said things that upset you, or that I made it sound like I am right and you are wrong. That was not my intend♥ I am sorry that I started talking to you about it here, it was inappropriate and wrong of me. ♡ you are going through a difficult time and as a Christian and a human being, it was my responsibility ( and honour) to help you or at least show compassion. ♥ please don't let my actions give you a bad idea of Christians, they are very loving people.
♥ I really feel bad for you. I mean.. I feel sad because of what happened to you, no one deserves to be treated like that and I don't know what to do to help, so I just wanted to show you God is real because ( i believe) He can really help perhaps I should have just showed you love.
Once again, I am sorry [HuG] lots of love to you, and I hope you feel better soon. If you ever want to talk, I will love to listen and try to help ( without being judgemental)
@Aelphaba
Wow, it really sounds like you've been through hell. I'm so, so sorry.
I don't know if this will be helpful or not but over these last years, I've really come to believe in the power of dreams. Not as some mystical, otherworldly message. Rather, I see them as a message from your own deepest self. The sub-conscious or whatever. In my experience, strong dreams (especially recurring) tell me that there is something I have to face or deal with.
That may be because I'm ready now when before I wasn't or it may be that whatever has been pushed away has been festering for too long. Whatever the reason, I've learned to take them to mean my deepest self is saying "it's time".
It's OK that you're not ready to spill this all to your husband. You can let him know that you're dealing with something you're not ready to put into words but when the time is right, you will (If that's what is right for you, of course). It's more than OK to ask him for his patience while you deal with the enormity of what you've gone through.
I think it's tremendous that you were able to reach out here with your story. I wish you all the best, truly.
Please tell me why you believe evolution is true, what makes you say that? I am very interested in evolution and I would love to understand better why people believe it.
you guys came to help each other and u divide yourselves by what is to me two different beliefs.
lets take that on a bigger scale and draw some philosophical conclusions on humanity.
just saying =p
Hi, @TallApple138!
i understand that you are interested in talking about religion. As this particular post is relating to the topic of sexual abuse, I encourage you to visit a different forum section and to start new thread, for example here. Thank you for your understanding. All the best!
@Aelphaba, thank you so much for sharing with us your story. It takes a lot of courage to be open about such painful experiences. I'm proud of you, lovely.
*hugs*
You're a strong person, but it is understandable that you're exhausted of showing inhuman endurance. It's okay to feel tired and seek support. I'm not a professional or anything, but I think that talking with your husband could ease your mind and help you with finding some peace at night. I know it's difficult to start a conversation on such subject, so would you consider writing a letter/e-mail to him? I find that it's much easier for me to be open on the paper and it takes away a bit of anxiety. Would it be something that you'd consider doing?
Once again, well done for reaching out to us, lovely. You're doing as best as you can and it's enough. Sending you all of my strength!