Coming to terms with the truth. TRIGGERING
For a long time, I didn't acknowledge what happened to me was rape. I thought, well, I was making out with him. I let it get too far. I should have tried to stop him sooner if I didn't want it. How could I expect to lead him on like that and not follow through?
I was young, oh so very young and naive. A Virgin when i met him. I remember looking in a Mirror for a long time, him in the bedroom, me in the bath, trying to control the bleeding. My roommate asleep in the other room. I looked in that mirror and I told myself "it was going to happen eventually. What's done is done." But hadn't I said no, just before? Hadn't I? Hadn't I told him I was a virgin and he promised to use his vile, lying tongue?
Still, you can't un-ring a bell.
So I told myself I wasn't raped. I was fine. People lost their v cards all the time. No need to be a pansy about it.
So I saw him again. We started dating. We got married within a month.
Of course he didn't rape me, continually, for years, warp everything that is beautiful about lovemaking until I didn't even know what that word meant. Why would I have married him, right? I'd have to really stupid marry my rapist. Even if it was true... even if it was, who the hell would believe me? This was my life. I did this. My fault.
Eventually I got the courage to leave him. It took me years after to be able to say the words "he raped me."
And I have reached the max length. Continued on next post.
So it took me a long time to start dealing, and I am still struggling terribly. Recently the nightmares got worse. It's not just about him, either, it's nightmares about being sold into sex slavery, being raped a million times, being so scared. It's so terrifying.
I am remarried now. I feel like I can't talk to my husband about it. He knows, I did say the words, but I can't talk about when I am feeling violated by dreams over and over again. I hate keeping things from him, it is just dont know how to express what I am feeling. Or if there are even words available to express it.
I am just so tired.
@Aelphaba
Also remember, God loves you. And you can talk to Him. HE will always be there for you.
@TallApple138 I'm actually an atheist, but thank you.
Why are you an atheist?
Sorry if it bothers you that I ask, or if it's inappropriate to start such a conversation in your time with need. @Aelphaba
@TallApple138 because there is no evidence of the existence of god. The Bible is not sufficient evidence. All it does is provide confirmation bias.
@Aelphaba
Okay.. I get that.. and i respect that. but there is a lot of evidence of God, and if you just look, you will see it. Would you mind if try to show you there is a God? Would you be open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe there is a God?
@TallApple138 only if you are equally open to the possibility that there is not.
Yes sure. @Aelphaba
Let me start of by asking if you believe in evolution or how do you believe humans were created?
@TallApple138 yes, evolution is the reason humans are on the earth. It is not a belief, however, so much as a scientifically proven fact.
@Aelphaba
I still have a lot more to say, but in the meantime please read a few articles that states evolution is wrong. Just search on the internet whether evolution is true or not.
And thank you for giving me this opportunity.
@TallApple138 unless they articles are published in peer reviewed scientific journals, they are not credible. Why would I trust a Christian site to tell me the truth when they have an agenda?
@Aelphaba
You don't have to read on christian sites. Many scientists disagree with the evolution theory, if you do a little bit of research and for one moment accept that you might be wrong, you will see why.
Why do you believe in evolution?
Good day @Aelphaba
♥ I am so sorry to hear what happened to you, and I would just like to tell you that it is in no way your fault. You don't ever have to feel guilty about it. ♥
I would encourage you to try and talk to your husband about what you are feeling and about your nightmares even though it might be difficult for both of you. If he is a loving caring man he will try to understand and support you were he can and perhaps it would make you feel better.
All of the best to you.
@Aelphaba
Wow, it really sounds like you've been through hell. I'm so, so sorry.
I don't know if this will be helpful or not but over these last years, I've really come to believe in the power of dreams. Not as some mystical, otherworldly message. Rather, I see them as a message from your own deepest self. The sub-conscious or whatever. In my experience, strong dreams (especially recurring) tell me that there is something I have to face or deal with.
That may be because I'm ready now when before I wasn't or it may be that whatever has been pushed away has been festering for too long. Whatever the reason, I've learned to take them to mean my deepest self is saying "it's time".
It's OK that you're not ready to spill this all to your husband. You can let him know that you're dealing with something you're not ready to put into words but when the time is right, you will (If that's what is right for you, of course). It's more than OK to ask him for his patience while you deal with the enormity of what you've gone through.
I think it's tremendous that you were able to reach out here with your story. I wish you all the best, truly.
Please tell me why you believe evolution is true, what makes you say that? I am very interested in evolution and I would love to understand better why people believe it.
you guys came to help each other and u divide yourselves by what is to me two different beliefs.
lets take that on a bigger scale and draw some philosophical conclusions on humanity.
just saying =p
Hi, @TallApple138!
i understand that you are interested in talking about religion. As this particular post is relating to the topic of sexual abuse, I encourage you to visit a different forum section and to start new thread, for example here. Thank you for your understanding. All the best!
@Aelphaba, thank you so much for sharing with us your story. It takes a lot of courage to be open about such painful experiences. I'm proud of you, lovely.
*hugs*
You're a strong person, but it is understandable that you're exhausted of showing inhuman endurance. It's okay to feel tired and seek support. I'm not a professional or anything, but I think that talking with your husband could ease your mind and help you with finding some peace at night. I know it's difficult to start a conversation on such subject, so would you consider writing a letter/e-mail to him? I find that it's much easier for me to be open on the paper and it takes away a bit of anxiety. Would it be something that you'd consider doing?
Once again, well done for reaching out to us, lovely. You're doing as best as you can and it's enough. Sending you all of my strength!