Conflicted Thoughts (F21)

I guess to begin I need to provide quick background information.I live with my mom and my aunt. Ever since she moved in with us 10 years ago, she has always been controlling and emotionally abusive. Starting arguments for the sake of it, demeaning me, and anytime I get angry/sad I’m told I’m too sensitive. My mom is a bystander. But there has been a few moments where even she’ll admit that my aunt went too far. Needless to say I have a low self esteem, trouble connecting with others, and a constant unease about enjoying good periods of my life.

I’ve been in my school’s therapy since I started college for almost 3 years now. My therapist has been so kind and non-judgmental. With her help I began unearthing my emotions, slowly made good friends, and treated myself with a little more kindness. I still struggle to fully let myself enjoy moments with others though. Always scared I have to be prepared for the worse. This is despite the fact that I ache to be closer to people, regardless of the type of relationship I have with them.

I wasn’t fully wrong about my fears though. I met a guy at my college a few months ago who clearly liked me. He played the piano for me and showered me with compliments. We had dinner a few times at the cafeteria. I began liking him a little but held my emotions out of old habit. One time I dropped off food at his graduate apartment and I noticed a few red flags. Before I left he said he had no roommates and that he was going to freshen up. Then made me wait for 20 minutes in the lobby. He didn’t bother to listen that I had no intention to stay and pulled my arm instead. This made me worried so I texted a friend who also lived in the building of my location. When we arrived, he locked his door in 3 separate ways and my worried increased. Therefore, I kept my coat and bag on in case I needed to run. At one point he commanded me to take off my mask. He was persistent. I told him no twice and later say that I don’t want to. He then brushed my hair to the side. There were other commands here and there and I decided it was best to only be friends at most. I saw too many parallels between him and my aunt and knew nothing would work well. Fortunately, we never texted or called much so it was easy to stay away. However, 3 weeks ago we ran into each other more often than usual. And he returned to his usual politeness. I began thinking that I overreacted at his apartment. That maybe I judged him too soon. I doubted my own gut feelings. Anyway, we ran into each other once more 2 weeks ago in one of the campus buildings. I did my homework on one of the floors since the library was closed. It was a Sunday afternoon and he arrived after some time. He was carrying food and offered me some. I declined since I wasn’t hungry at the time. He then entered further into the floor and I continued my paper. After an hour, I was hungry and decided I needed a break. During this time, he came out again to use the bathroom and offered me some snacks he had. The cafeteria doesn’t have dinner out at that time yet so I agreed. The room was a teacher’s lounge with a side balcony. We sat at one of the table and ate the snacks. We then went to the balcony but it was cold so we quickly returned inside. We sat on the couch and he put his arm around me and rubbed my arm. I dated once, years ago, before but this felt off. It didn’t feel romantic but sexual. His fingers moved like he was sizing me. I leaned forward and he moved the rubbing to my back, and spent quite some time on where my bra was. I was uncomfortable so I sat back up. He also eyed my body. We were also talking. I mentioned at one point that I felt uncomfortable with the way he behaved when I was inside his apartment. He didn’t respond. I asked what was happening since it’s usually so different. But he dodged the question by with the joke that I’m trying to diagnose him (I want to do healthcare btw). We continued speaking for a bit. We fell onto the topic of body moles. I listed him the areas I had some. When I mentioned I had one on my neck, his hand moved from my arm to the back of my head, slowly pulled it back with way too much grip, and leaned his head towards my neck. I was scared. I pushed his head away and thank goodness he released my head. I asked what he was doing and he calmly answered that he was trying to kiss my neck. I told him I didn’t want to date him and he replied that that’s not what he said. I said I don’t want anything sexual either and got the same reply. I then said I don’t want anything romantic either like a kiss on my neck like what he said. He suddenly gave the excuse that he was trying to kiss the pendant on my necklace. I dropped it then, I already know someone like that will never hold themselves accountable. He wanted to hear me sing downstairs in one of the music rooms and pulled my arm again. When we got up from the couch, he tapped by butt and said “let’s go with your fine ass”. I immediately told him don’t do that and once again no comment. He just continued to walk and pack his stuff. In the music room he kept pulling my chair towards him. He constantly rubbed my knees and the lower part of my thighs. Once he rubbed my shoulder and side of my neck. I learned all the rubbing is a form of coaxing me into sex. I became so hungry that he noticed and thought it was best if I eat. He offered to go out together but I had enough for the day. I kept reminding him that I needed to return to my paper and would be best if we go our separate ways. He agreed and I went straight to my room. Fortunately, I dorm in the campus building and he dorms in the graduate one a couple blocks down. I felt so intense. My body ached, my arm and jaw were tight, and I was shaking like I had a cold. I only told my therapist and a few of my closest friends. It was hard to stay asleep that night. I so the next day I felt terrible. I had no focus to complete that paper so thank goodness my group partner finished it for me.

He did call a few days later and asked if I wanted to watch the new Batman movie with him. As if he did nothing a few days prior. I declined and said I needed to prepare for an upcoming conference (which was mostly true). He said I was always busy and something in the background made him cut the call. I did not file a report. People like that answers to no one and it’s best to simply steer clear.

I’ve been talking about it in therapy and my therapist sees I’m relapsing. That the part I worked so hard on to be more independent and vocal is returning back to the old me that is caged and abused. My friends check up on me but I don’t want to bother them more than I already have. I’m not even one bit angry at him. If anything I’m angry at myself. For the seeing the flags beforehand and agreeing to enter the room with him. For stupidly thinking that I could get away from controlling people if I improve myself. I’ve been getting symptoms. Waking up tense as hell, getting mood swings, and struggling to function afterwards. I attended the conference this week and someone walked past me too close. I felt the back of my head tight, as if it was being pulled and my body tensed all over again. I looked around and nobody was that close to me. I kept telling myself afterward that he’s not here, I didn’t even tell him the name of the conference. As for mentally, I keep minimizing the event. I realized it’s an automatic response that I learned to do over the years whenever I face an acute level of abuse.

But emotionally, I’m torn apart. I still have the desire to be close with others, especially now for comfort and healing. But another part says I shouldn’t for my safety. How do I know that the next person I met won’t abuse/control me again? Or do something worse than him? I’ve been controlled for so long what hope do I have that it’ll change. I gave much effort over the years to put some pieces back together just to break all over again. Besides who would possibly want to be with someone as broken as me. Both sides are extremely painful to feel. I simply wish I was content with what I have now and not desire anything. The stronger side says I should just kill off this desire and return to when I barely spoke with people. But that thought hurts so much. I hated how I was before and don’t want to return that way. I also hate killing off my own dreams. I’m used to my aunt doing it, but this time would be my own doing. A new self hatred would brew. But I can’t see myself being hopeful. After so many years of it and with this incident from a whole new person. I saw interactions at a party yesterday. Great friends making sure a wasted girl was safe and as appropriate as possible. Some couples. I envied all of them who makes it look so effortless to achieve. I envy their success. And angry with myself for my failures despite my efforts. I honestly think at this point that I’m simply unable to. Even if I do meet good people, I can’t fully connect like others. And that it’s better to just stop trying and accept it. Fully connecting in healthy relationships simply feels impossible. But there’s a tiny part of me that truly wants to one day after I sort myself out. I don’t know anymore.

Sorry for the length. Any input would be helpful.