Dating After Sexual Assault

*Trigger Warning*

Hello All,

I recently left a relationship that was toxic in many ways, one of which was that there were issues with consent in the relationship.

Shortly before I started dating my ex-boyfriend, I had been sexually assaulted by a man that I met on tender. While this man did not hold a gun to my head or cause me any sort of major physical harm, he forced himself into my mouth. This man then called me repeatedly at all hours of the night and often told me he was outside of my apartment. I blocked his number, and he would call from another number. I spent many nights sleeping on a friends couch because I was afraid that he would somehow get in to my building and would be able to harm me. I have not talked about what happened to me to any great extent and very few people in my life know anything about the event. I have not told my family.

After this experience, I began sleeping with a man that went to law school with me. Very early on in the relationship, he only came over when I called. There were no expectations and if I didn’t want to see him he did not insist on it. At the time the sex was ok, it wasn’t great but I was in control of it, and it was good enough. Eventually, the relationship went from being just convenient sex to being very serious very quickly. We moved in together about three months after starting our “relationship”. Soon after moving in we began having sex even if I really didn’t want to. On one occasion he told me to lay there at let him fuck me when I attempted to critique what he was doing in order to maximize my enjoyment. As time went on things did not improve sexually and the relationship generally declined. Over time, it became so bad that I could not make it through a sexual encounter without crying. At one point, I was very drunk and barely conscious. Instead of letting me sleep it off he stripped my pants off, placed his phone on my stomach and used my body despite my very intoxicated cries.

I am sorry for the graphic explanations of my experience but this it the first time that I have fully described the extent of my experience in the relationship.

It took me far too long for me to extract myself from the relationship, but I nonetheless have left and am in the process of healing. At this point, I am interested in beginning to date although I am not honestly sure if I am going to be able to handle it. I miss enjoying sex and I really want to feel that way again.

Does anyone have any advise for dating after sexual assault and a toxic relationship. How much do I disclose about my history and when do I do that? How much do I disclose regarding my mental health issues generally?

I really don’t want to fall into the same cycle and would like to have a healthy productive interaction.