Do clothes make me a bad girl?
I have a friend who told me that the way I dress means that I'm flirty. He said girls don't show so much skin unless they're looking for something else. What could I possibly be asking for?
My friend does not know how much I've struggled with my self esteem and accepting my body just as it is. He doesn't know how much I used to hate myself because of my appareance. I was so ashamed to be a girl and, somehow, I still am. I used to dress covering every inch of skin from feet to neck and I was so insecure about myself. I was scared to be harmed and I felt so guilty, thinking that it was all my fault. And it took me too much time to not hate my body. My mom had to dress me to make me feel comfortable, and she repeated all the time that I am pretty and my body is perfect. And now that I'm finally secure about it and confident enough, now that I'm proud of being myself and now that I can wear a skirt or a top, now he comes to tell me that and I'm so insecure and ashamed again. It is not fair. He destroyed my self esteem and triggered so many bad memories in me.
I was told that school girls like to exhibit their bodies in their uniforms and if something happens to them is because they were asking for it. How can it possibly be true? It is as if it is my fault to be harmed. I don't think dressing with some kind of clothes makes me a bad girl, but in my mind there is this voice repeating some gross things that I was told when I was harmed, and I'm stupid enough to believe it. I feel like a bad girl, I feel so guilty. It is not fair.
@kimmkimm I'm so sorry that your confidence and willingness to dress how you wish has taken a huge knock. You are absolutely right that the way you choose to dress yourself does not give anyone the right to treat you like you are 'asking for it', somehow putting yourself 'out there' and making yourself more available and vulnerable. That is simply not true. Those who interpret the way that you dress as an excuse for their actions are entirely wrong, and under no circumstances should you consider your actions tainted by their wrongful interpretation. You have every right to dress yourself how you choose. Not only have you earned that right, you must remember that you have that freedom of expression that nobody can or should take away from you. You have the right to cover yourself from head to toe if you choose to, just as you have the right to wear clothes that are more revealing. Those that cannot understand that and put their own shortcomings on you by making you feel bad about yourself are not individuals that you should surround yourself with at this time. I don't mean to judge you on your friendships, that's not what I'm here for as I have no right to judge you or anyone else. Simply I'm advising you that you need to look after no. 1 first and foremost (you!) and make it clear to your friends that you have standards that they have to live up to. If they make you unhappy then tell them, when or if you are ready to do so, and make it clear that your freedom of expression is something that they should support without question, without ever knocking your confidence in this way. If they don't understand this, then maybe this is telling you that tough decisions need to be made about the people that you have chosen as friends. Remember that this doesn't reflect on you as an individual, but good friendships are something that will give you the power to see through this time, and come out the other side more confident, empowered and proud of who you are as a person. Sending you all my best wishes, Grits
@Grits1910
Thank you so much for what you said. I agree with most of them. However, it is so hard to fight against my own thoughts. It is as if he programmed me back then and that voice keeps repeating in my head again and again. I was doing very good until my friend reminded me of that.
There is something I don't understand. What do you mean by "chose my friends"? I don't think I chose them. Life choses them for me. I didn't chose my classmates, I didn't chose my neighbours, I didn't chose my volleyball team mates. Most of them are so nice but some aren't, and some are really mean.
Last year, after some months skipping school, I decided to join zoom classes again and I founf that my friends were whispering between them and being cold and derogatory. Later, my best friend told me that they were spreading rumors about me, saying that I was a bad girl (in other words) and was pregnant, and that's why I was skipping school. They have done a lot of things to me. If I had the choice, I would have not chosen them.
You have been misunderstood by others and that really bothers you. People have made these assumptions about you without knowing you or your background. I see how disappointing and upsetting this is to you. As a result, you are feeling bad about yourself. And self-esteem is something that you have really struggled with for a long time. I'm glad that you have reached out for support. And I can tell that you really have worked hard to feel better about yourself. It's just that at times, people with ignorance say things and do things that trigger painful memories. I wish you well on your healing journey. Keeping on going!!!
@peacefulIris56
Thank you so much. Yes, I'm trying to keep going, but it's draining, I feel tired about it. I'm not sure if I'm able to go through all again. And I'm angry because I feel like I haven't healed a single bit in all this time. It is as if, after swimming for a long time, I'm right at the exact point where I began.
@Kimmkimm You're so welcome. And thank you so much for having the courage to open up and to tell it like it is. I understand how draining that this is for you. The people around you aren't seeing you as the individual that you are. As a result, they fail to connect with you in a way that you feel understood. Too many people categorize things and then expect things to be a certain way or for it to fit in their mold. That's really difficult. It's an isolating feeling. I understand that you are angry because you feel like you haven't healed at all. You try really hard to heal but the people around you make it difficult for you. You feel like how they trigger you sets you back to the beginning. It's hard to heal triggers when you face the same triggers all the time. I understand that you did not choose to have these people in your life. It's very discouraging to be in a situation like yours. I am really proud of you for how you stay strong and that you keep fighting and keep working on yourself.
@peacefulIris56
I'm sorry for the late response. I spent my weekend with my mom and I wanted to be disconnected from everything else because I only see her on weekends, the rest of the week I'm all alone.
Being with mommy was great. She always makes me laugh and she helps me so much. I don't know what kind of power she has, but she can make me feel so safe and confident about myself. She dresses me and tells me that I'm pretty and it is like magic because that's how I feel. It was a good weekend and I didn't have any flashback. But there are things that I can't deal with yet. Changing my clothes for a pajama is anguishing and I must watch at the ceiling while I do so. I say "having my bubbles" instead of washing up (or other words described in my bio because they're too triggering) and I can't even do it like everybody does or where everybody does, but I already got used to it. So yes, there is a long road ahead of me.
But I don't want to think about that. I had a wonderful time with my mom and that's what matters. A friend told me about finding happiness in small things and that's what I'm doing.
I hope you had a nice weekend and I wish you a wonderful week. 🤗
@Kimmkimm I am glad that you have your weekends with your mom to enjoy and that your weekend went well. Thank you. I wish you a wonderful week as well.
@Kimmkimm I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. It can be so hard to be comfortable in our own skins, especially as a teen. The level of self consciousness can be almost painful at times. I can only imagine how painful it must have been to hear this from your friend and to have your confidence and self esteem affected, that you're questioning whether you're bad or not because of it. In my opinion, the answer is a resounding no. What you wear doesn't define who you are. If you dress for comfort or if you dress to look and feel pretty. That's for you to decide.
It can be so hard to silence that voice repeating the bad things we've heard about ourselves. It's hard not to start believing it because we may hear it so many times.
You said after swimming so long it's as if you right back where you started. Unfortunately, trauma can act a little like a rip tide. We think we're getting out of it, only to get pulled back in again. Its not fair you're absolutely right. You can do this, because you are so strong, even though you're tired. Your strength shows. You're here, you're sharing your thoughts and your feelings about this. You're using your voice.
There will be good days and bad days. With time you'll get stronger and more confident in who you are and you'll see yourself for the beautiful person you are.
Take good care of yourself. Remember, there are people here who care about you and accept you on the good days and the bad.
@TheFisherKing
Thank you. That's what I keep repeating myself. But then, gross things come to my mind and I know all of those were true, and I was so coward, I didn't fight back. I just did what I was told to do and that makes a bad girl of me. That is the guilt I feel, and no matter how many times I repeat to myself that I was forced and it wasn't my fault, all I can hear is his voice telling me that over and over. And now my friend just told me the same thing. I know it is silly to be concerned for those words, but those words awaken a lot of memories in me.
@Kimmkimm It isn't silly, those words hurt you. They have a way of sticking to our brains and it takes so much longer for those to heal than any physical wounds we have.
Sometimes we can't fight back. Fighting back could have made it worse. Sometimes doing what we're told is the only way to survive.
Do you think you could talk to your friend? Let them know that what was said hurt you and brought up bad memories for you? You wouldn't have to do into detail, unless you choose to of course. But it might be helpful to let that voice know you can fight back against it, that you can counter it.
@TheFisherKing
Hello 🙂 I'm so sorry for the late response.
I haven't talked to that friend since then and I'm not interested to. I've been trying to enjoy small things and to have the best time with my mom. For now, that's working for me. No flashbacks during the weekend.
I think you're right when you say that it could have been worse if I fought back. All I had to do was to stay alive, but I was failing at that because, at the end, I was giving up. I remember that, after so many times, when I could hear his footsteps getting close to the room where I was, I begged to heaven "please let him end it now, I rather be ️ than go through it one more time". But it never happened and I'm here now. I didn't fight back then but I must fight now. Fight to keep going on and that's what I'm doing.
There are always going to be those individuals who justify their own negative thoughts and intentions by blaming the person they had the thoughts about. Many in this world do not care to understand what accountability truly means. We began here with no clothes and we leave here the same way. Somewhere in between many of us forget that. Negative intent is the culprit, not what another person is wearing. Not understanding the damage all their negative energy inflicted, you are here feeling shamed and attacked by what others around you have done. What I have learned is we cannot let them do this to us. We must stand tall and be who we are. As long as your intentions here are pure and just, you have nothing to worry about except yourself. Not worrying about what others say and do to harm you. It only hurts us if we continue to let them be an influence on us. In action over time we are given the opportunity to prove them wrong and make them eat their words. It takes patience and determination as well as the ability to feel no shame. Pride comes before the fall and this world will crush our pride and humble our ego. What I do is find what I feel should be changed and focus on influencing and facilitating that change over time. We can all do it. Once we do we realize there is an army of people who have gone through what we have. That is where true positive change is made.
@Understandingempath
Hello. I hope you're doing ok. Thank you so much for your words, it means a lot to me.
Yes, you're right. Some people forget about that and their intentions are the ones they use to judge us. And that's wrong. I finally understood that and I'm trying to not pay too much attention to harmful. The only problem is that it touches a very sensitive fiber in me. I try to ignore it but it's too hard. I guess I will need a lot of time.
When I wrote this new thread I was feeling awful, but after a few weeks and especially after some time with my mom, I've felt a little better. And I'm optimistic now.
I hope you have a wonderful week. Please take care of yourself 😊
Usually, I dress cute and not provocative, but sometimes I have a desire to put on something very eye-catching. In such cases, I wear short skirts or dresses with leg garters. Such an outfit does not go unnoticed, I get a lot of attention from both guys and girls. This is very pleasant for me, you can also try to dress like this.