Do you think it counts?
I have a lot of stories. But there are some that stick out more than others. One happened about 7yrs ago, when I was 19. My roommate's friend came over with one of his friends, Chris. We hung out and had a few drinks, but I have a really high alcohol tolerance and it takes a LOT to have any effect on me, so I was completely coherent. Chris had made it clear the whole night that he wanted me. I made it clear that I didn't want him. When it was time for them to leave, Chris wouldn't go. He wanted me, and he wasn't leaving until he got what he wanted. We tried physically removing him from our apartment but he wouldn't go. We couldn't call the cops because I was 19 and we'd been drinking. I didn't know what to do because he flat out would not leave. I told my roommate and his friend to just go outside. They didn't want to because they knew why. I can literally see their faces as I shut the door. I let him have what he wanted so he'd leave. I took him to my room, and I just mentally went somewhere else. He sent me a relationship request on Facebook when he got home, and a message saying how much he'd enjoyed the night. I messaged him back and told him I'd made it clear I didn't want anything to do with him, and I'd only let him so he'd leave. He basically called me a whore and then I blocked him.
This really bothers me cuz I DID make the decision to "be" with him, even though I'd made it clear I didn't want to. I don't know if this counts, or if it was just a bad choice.
Beeleigh,
I am heartbroken to hear what you went through that night. Sadly, it is a story that happens to many of us as young girls, and guys too I'm sure. It happened to me with slightly different circumstances. I am not sure what you are referering to as "does it count?" Are you asking if it counts as your first sexual experience , or does it count as "rape" - a nonconsentual sexual act?You don't have to be drunk to "not consent" It does sound to me like you were truly trapped and that is the very definition of not agreeing to a sexual act. That is always horrible and never acceptable or "counts" as a mutually loving and satisfying relationship. He was equally uncaring to call you a bad name, just awful. I think that is why this has stuck in your mind. No matter what you are wondering, it has surely impacted you in a negative way- but you can become better and have your questions answered in your own mind and spirit. I'm not a Listener, just a member like you- but I know there are Listeners here who would love to help you sort it all out and help guide you to your next healthy steps. There are resources here too, self help guides and personalized paths and meditations. I sm proud of you for sharing your story- it wasn't easy. I know you have beauty inside you and I'm sending you the biggest hug ever .
@MusicCandy
Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you've been through the same thing. It was by far not my first time, consensual or not. He wasn't the first person to take what I didn't want to give, nor was he the last. My question was does it count as rape because I chose to just give up and let him do what he wanted. It was ultimately my decision, even if I felt like I had no other choice. I wrote out a list for my therapist with their names and how many times/how long, and next to this one I put "I hate this one", because I'm conflicted as to whether it belongs on that list or not. I can't decide if it counts as rape.
