Feeling worthless, hopeless

Was sexually abused when I was little but fortunately I don’t really remember it. Still have scars and related issues tho. Later on in middle school my first serious gf was very abusive sexually and physically and verbally. It was a nightmare for years. Then after that ended I was raped by a trusted friend who was supposed to be helping me. Then I ended up in a relationship for years that was very unhealthy. Although there wasn’t much physical or verbal abuse, there was a lot of manipulation and rape. The relationship after that was horrendous for a long time. After that was a good healthy relationship with a nice girl that ended very tragically and sadly. After that was mostly I guess bouncing around between ppl bc of family problems and also me feeling lost and awful. There were some brief periods that weren’t so bad but mostly it was actually bad. Then after trying to get my life together and starting to do so I was raped very grossly by an ex. Then ended up in another brief relationship That I had to end bc of pushy/rapey things. Was in relationships throughout but more so later on where often ppl would attack me over things in my past, very wrongly imo, so I mostly never told anyone anything. Was very scarily sexually assaulted in the hospital after trying to overlook gross things nurses and doctors had done. And now another problematic relationship that is a nightmare. Physical verbal emotional sexual abuse and very controlling manipulating trapping. I’m genuinely afraid posting this but I also am desperate and really need to. My family/friends/support is generally horrible and currently nonexistent. I have extremely complicated physical illness and medical issues. Definitely ptsd and who knows what else but no resources to do much about it. I don’t know what to do in many regards but hopefully this helps me at all even a little bit. Thanks for any feedback I guess, this is really for me tho. Also I’ve had a hard time finding a listener that matches with me well as far as experience or expertise with my issues and I’d be grateful to find such a listener. I feel like truthfully I just need a good real friend. I’ve never had a close friend all my life and I don’t know if I’d even know how to at this point. My parents never had friends nor let me have any.

sorry that it’s not the most coherent. I half don’t want anyone to actually read it plus I’m also losing it so forgive me. Also I’m afraid to say too much bc I feel like my story is recognizable to ppl who know it and I don’t really want to face that rn. Anyway thanks for caring, bless you