Forgetting Childhood// Trauma
*** Trigger Warning: SA *** When I was 15, about to be 16. I was taken advantage of. I was drinking and the boy was not, so I refused to tell anyone. I worried the blame would be put on me. At some point I told my mom, who wanted to press charges. But i didn’t want to ruin his life like he ruined mine. Looking back I know I should have, but I couldn’t stand for people at school to know. My first solid memory of my “ childhood “ was the day I turned 16. Only 5 years ago. I could not tell you any childhood memories or events prior to that. I only know things that my family have told me after my 16th bday. Nothing before is my own original memory. I also tend to make up memories that apparently never happened. Like I could have sworn I was an actress in a commercial at some point in my youth. Has anyone else forgotten all or most of their memories prior to SA? Im getting in with a counselor soon, all though I am so scared to open up a can of worms that I can never close back up.
Omg... this is the first time I have head someone talk about memory loss following shock.. When I was 13, my dad died of a sudden heart attack, at the age of 40. I could remember that night, but nothing before. Nothing. I knew who I was, but no memories. Absolute blank. After a year, my first little flakes of memory started coming back. And it took over ten years to be completely back to "normal". I even forgot who my Spanish teacher was.. I didn't know where the classroom was, I thought I was going mad.. my sister didn't have that problem, I told my sister and my mum but they didn't take me seriously so I stopped talking about it. I felt so alone for years... My event is very different from yours, but I think it has something to do with a protective shutdown, our brains try to protect us when things are too hard to bare. I am glad you have planned to see a counselor, I definitely should have back then!! Some events can be threatening to our brains because they are incoherent with our former identities, and matching the before and the after is too painful. Time and progressive processing of the information seem to help bring it back. When my shitty life got better all of a sudden, when I was 21 and fell in love for the first time, and my mum found someone to look after her, the weight was lifted from my shoulders in one go. And memories poured back to me. Happy memories are hard when you miss the time that was and never will be again.. but new happy events will come, even when least expected, and that helps us face the past. I'm sorry, I have rattled on so long.. I am really touched by your story, and I sincerely hope you will find the way to be you, free of ghosts and past pain.