Him. *poem about sexual assault*

He's back again, tormenting me, taunting me, making sure I know that I'll never be safe. My thoughts scatter, anxiety kicks in, 'but why the hell would that matter if he isnt near?' Its not like hes my biggest fear...

Fear is a funny thing, it can twist your mind, making you see things that arent there. 'There! Did you see him..? Did you see how he looked at me with such hunger, such anger in his eyes..'

Eyes that do not blink, eyes that mock me, the eyes are the windows to the soul, but when i look into his all i see is black. Black is my favorite color.. Well actually blue is but black is how i feel. Dark, unwanted, unseen, worthless. I keep feeling like im being hunted.

Love can make people do crazy things, Like stick around someone who abuses you.. hurts you... rapes you.. Love is truely a screwed up thing. To love is to hurt, to hurt is to love.

I loved him. Before i knew what he was capable of.. He was my older brother, My neighbor, My acting partner, and above all, He is my pain.Pain makes me want to curl up into a ball and die. It would be beter than constantly telling them lies. 'yes im fine' 'i feel great' 'it doesnt bother me anymore' I really never told anyone the full story, about how he broke my heart and my trust, about how he was the one to break my will to live.

Trust issues should be my middle name. Just look at me. I've built up walls and then bouilt walls in front of those and walls in front of those walls. My heart is under lock and key. I remember that night, and all the other ones that followed. I knew for a while that he had a thing for me. But he's my brother, i could never see him as a lover. He couldnt handle the truth, so he decided that he'll just take what he wants.

We finished the movie and decided to go to a park. He tired to kiss me, I flinched and backed away. He touched me, I hit him. staring into space i accept my fate. i feel my shrit rip as he pushes me onto the ground. He removed my shirt and left me bare. He wispered 'i love you' as he removed the last bit of clothing from my legs.

I didnt care if i got hurt, i knew that physical pain would be easier to deal with than the emotional pain that would follow. Although this was the first time he violated me, it wouldnt be the last. He is the reason for my pain and the cause of my relapse.