Hope and hopelessness

I'm at a place in my life where I don't know if I've many any progress and at the same time I'm proud of the progress I've made. I was assaulted 9 years ago. I started living alone & dealt with it the way I deal with all problems. Cutting off each trigger.

I started college a year later and while my new friends were out having fun, I'd be at my place drinking enough to pass out. I want/wanted to disappear. I focused on my studies and used it as a distraction and because of that I did very well in college.

I could always feel a breakdown hovering just outside my active brain space and if keep pushing it away. 'I don't have time now, I need to get this assignment done'.

I used that even after I finished college and started my first job. My boss noticed the signs I didn't know I was showing and got me into self care and meditation. I practiced those for 2 years, on and off and now I'm at a place where I thought it was over and done with.

Yesterday I woke up with intense self hatred and had the breakdown that was overdue. I still haven't talked about it because there's nothing to say. I played it over and over in my head so many times that I don't even recognise myself anymore. I want it to be over but I'm still there. I want to give myself hope but I have 9 years of failure to look at.