How I’ve been silenced

As a kid being born into a strict household and being the only child, I was treated different from my cousins who stayed with us. It was almost as if I was their boss and that made me feel guilty. Most of the time I would hit by them as a three year old child who didn’t even know what was going on. They were basically taking out their frustrations on me.

What made it worse was when my mother went on a business trip and my dad wasn’t at home (he’s not always at home), my cousin attempted to rape me three times that day because he thought I was asleep. I wasn’t able to scream or do anything since I was just 4 years at that time. I knew what he was doing but I was always silenced my whole life that I wasn’t able to do anything.

My mother got transferred a lot from one state to another for her work and so for some years I didn’t live with her only during the holidays and I also couldn’t stay with my dad cause he isn’t the best at being responsible. I stayed with my adopted brother for a while but his wife hated me cause she felt I was taking too much of the attention away from and because he’d always stop her from hitting me. I also stayed with two of my mother’s cousins at different times and both houses were not so hygienic and at one house, the neighbor was forcing me to do stuffs online which I rejected.

I also lived with my aunt but it didn’t last long since her husband had so many issues of raping the maids at their house and the finally, I stayed at my mother’s best-friend’s house. She lived with two of her sisters and her three kids since she wasn’t together with her husband. One of the sisters would always maltreat me. she’d hit me, call me names like devil or the devil’s child and so many other things. There was a time hot water got poured on my leg by mistake and she was yelling at me instead of trying to help me. Whenever I reported to my mom, she’d always call her best friend who knew nothing about it and it would always end up becoming a problem.

They had a maid at one point who at one time misread my hug when I hugged her as I was leaving the house for a weekend with my dad (she was my only friend at the house and the only person I trusted there since I was practically treated worse than a maid there), when I returned from the weekend and we were left alone at the house, she raped me. I he worse part was that I finally had the strength to scream and fight back but there was no one there to help me and she kept on saying things like ‘it’ll help you in the future when your having sex with your husband because it won’t be painful anymore’ but I kept on fighting back but she was stronger than me.

after that day, she kept on raping me every night since we shared a room together with the person who was maltreating me in the house. So whenever it was night, I would stay up in the living room with everyone else until they go to bed so that I won’t be left alone in the room with the maid but sometimes I would be forced to go to bed and I can’t say anything since silence became a part of me. I started getting depressed and started having PTSD and so many things wrong with my mental health.

When I finally left the house, I went to a mixed gender boarding school where I suffered sexual harassment and couldn’t do anything about it. People started making up fake stories about me sending nudes or losing my virginity and my friends would always believe and what I hated the most was how I always welcomed those same friends back when they realize the truth and they would never apologize. They would just start talking to me again after all the insults.

At that point, I started realizing what sex drive was and how high mine was because my body felt that if I had a high sex drive, it won’t feel like sexual harassment because I’ll start liking it. I felt that everyone should have me but even with the mentality that has been put inside my brain, I still couldn’t do it. And whenever a guy started touching me, I won’t feel anything and just runaway and then I start feeling something.

Till this day, the trauma still hunts me. I still feel like I’ve been raped recently because of the shock my body has been put in. Even old men harass me. They try to get my number, take me on dates and things like that when I’m not even an adult. But still, no one around me gets it and that has been so frustrating to the point I almost committed suicide.

I believed that if my own mother can’t believe me, no one would. She got a divorce because of how my father would always hit her and cheat on her, she got a boyfriend who assaulted me while she was sleeping next to him and I told her and she didn’t believe me.

she said, ‘you probably just imagined it, you should know that by now since you have mental issues. You were probably just hallucinating.’