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How to Cope with Sexual Abuse Triggers (Trigger Warning)

blitheSun94 May 19th, 2017

Readers,

Sexual abuse is easily one of the darkest evils out there. With myself included in this population, my heart goes out to each and every one of you. A fellow Listener recently asked if I could assist a Member in coping with their triggers. It soon dawned on me that this would be beneficial to everyone, not just victims of sexual crime, thus provoking the concept of this post.

It can often be difficult for us to voice our likes and dislikes, boundaries, and/or take charge of our sex lives. It takes practice, maturity, and self awareness/understanding to communicate openly on such personal subject matter., This anxiety is accentuated further by the impact of trauma. Bustle Magazine lists 5 ways to cope in these moments of discomfort:

1. Disclose Your Abuse

If you feel comfortable, opening up to your partner about your experience can be incredibly beneficial. As you already know, physical touch can be triggering, and you may find yourself experiencing a mind-body disconnect, or feeling emotional. If your partner has a heads-up about what to expect, theyll be better prepared to be kind and supportive.

This is personal information to share, so wait until you have an established relationship and you feel confident that this person is deserving of your trust. Say something along the lines of, "I really trust you, and I want to open up to you about something from my past. This is hard for me to talk about, but I think it's important." Tell them whatever feels important for them to know. You and your partner should have ongoing conversations about how to make intimacy feel safe and pleasurable (all couples should be having conversations like this, not just those who have experienced abuse).

2. Come Up With A Trigger List & A Safe List

Since you've already done some work around your abuse, you probably have an idea of some of the things that can trigger you. Start making a list of all of the experiences you've had of being triggered, and see if you can come up with specific acts that should be avoided.

For example, you may realize that you've been triggered several times when you didn't have eye contact with your partner, so you may realize that its important to be in positions where you can clearly see each other. Or you may know that you don't like being touched on your thighs, or touched in a light, tickle-y way. Ask your partner if she's noticed any particular things that make you jumpy too. Together, the two of you can come up with a list of things that should be avoided. Keep adding to the list whenever you get triggered. Creating it will help you re-establish a sense of control, and will of course help you avoid the things that make you feel unsafe.

Sometimes making a list like this can bring up sadness because you're acknowledging the impacts that the abuse has had on you. Some of that sadness is unavoidable, but you can also have your partner make their own list. This should make things feel a little more balanced. You can also make a list of the things that feel safe and good. For example, perhaps you've never been triggered by kisses on the lips or oral sex. Maybe you always feel safe and loved when your partner has their arms wrapped around you.

3. Give Explicit Consent

Its really important to remember that you dont ever have to do anything that you don't want to do. Even if you're in a relationship. Even if your partner is awesome. Sexual abuse has a horrible way of messing with your understandings of consent. You and your partner may want to talk about the best ways for both of you to initiate intimacy. If initiation ever feels triggering to you, ask your partner to make sure they get a clear and enthusiastic "yes" from you each and every time. Each time they ask, remind yourself, "I get to decide what I want right now. Do I want to be intimate?" This may sound like overkill to some people, but the more careful and thoughtful you are about consent, the less likely you are to feel triggered.

Another thing to remember is that you have the right to revoke consent at any point. Just because youve started being intimate with your partner doesnt mean you need to see that interaction through until the end. Keep asking yourself, does this feel OK to me? Does this? You can also ask your partner to ask you. Remind yourself that its OK to say no or ask for a minute to think. You can even practice asking your partner to stop in the middle of things, just to drill in the message that youre in control, youre safe, and you can stop things whenever you feel uncomfortable.

4. Come Up With A Trigger Plan

Another way to help you feel more calm and in control during sex is to come up with a plan for what to do when you feel triggered. Think back to your past experiences of being triggered, and see if you can remember anything that helped you in the moment. Maybe your partner looked you in the eyes and told you they loved you. Maybe they took their hands off of your body entirely. If you dont have specific memories of things that helped, you can try to brainstorm possibilities alone or with your partner.

Some ideas might be to have your partner remind you, its just me, have them hold your hands, or spend a few minutes counting your breaths. Try out a few different options, and see if you can hone in on one or two reliable techniques to help you feel more grounded.

5. Be Kind To Yourself

Even with your best efforts, there are going to be times where youre just going to get triggered. Sometimes youll be able to help yourself relax relatively quickly, and other times the triggering is going to be more intense.

Try not to see these as failures, and remind yourself that youre not a broken person. Everyone has moments where sex doesnt go the way they want it to. Its perfectly understandable to feel frustrated and sad, but when youre able to, try to see these experiences as opportunities to learn more about your body and what it needs to feel safe.

Hopefully these brief tips assist you in taking command of your sexual, emotional, physical, and spiritual health and/or serve as a resource for those in need. Please share any additional coping and/or communication skills below that have helped you when you feel most sensitive or discontent. You're safe here.