I deserved it?

So a year and a half ago I left an abusive relationship with a guy named T. We had liked each other and been friends/crushes for half our life than dated for 2 years. Well I could not leave because I was scared he would kill himself because he said shit like that. So I cheated hoping he would leave me. He abused me for months and made me his sex slave. I couldn't say no if he wanted anything. He raped me a couple times technically but I don't see it as rape since I deserved it and agreed to not say no if he wanted sex. So despite screaming and crying and begging him to stop it wasn't really rape. But that wasn't the only time I had been whorish so I I can't get over it or forgive myself since I deserved it. Mom says no one does but I think I do.