I don't understand what is happening with my body

Hi everyone,

I’ve been struggling with some intense and confusing physical responses that seem linked to a past event I can’t fully recall. For several months now, I have been questioning a situation wondering if something I don't remember happened. Then one evening tired of questioning I layed down and asked my bod y what it fel I expected maybe some pain or something but then after a minute my body started convulsing, well more like my pelvis did not in my rythms, too deep like pursposly too deep, than too fast I wouldn't stop just keep cahnging and I couldn't predict what's happening next, my body curled and my back would arch head falling back, it lasted for hour and a half first time I felt like someone invisible used me, I felt like a thing my legs, arms, other part didn't really do anything they were just there. I produced discharge a d I hate it was it some kind of twisted fantasy or something. Maybe I am sick. Sometimes this convulsions repeat but not that intense more like trying to push something out of my body like energy or whatever it is. I have no memory of what might have caused this.

There’s also a part of me that feels like something traumatic might have happened during a time I can’t remember. I have been questioning my past interactions with someone I worked closely with a while ago. This person was someone I trusted, my manager, but over time, I started to feel uneasy about some of the things that happened, especially when I think back on certain behaviors. He would touch me then we would drink, in taxi all over my body, once then I was really drunk even sticking his thumb in my mouth, he would make innapropriet jokes towards me often, but he was also good people liked him, I thought he was my friend and maybe whose jokes towards me was just his type of flirting or something, he was 12 years older then me and had family, he would warn me about not trusting men he said not to be naive and that he is scared for me. I wonder if something happened that I don’t remember. I’ve been second-guessing everything, and I can’t figure out if my body is reacting to something real or if it’s a product of my mind trying to make sense of something confusing.

I’ve been feeling a lot of emotional distress because of this. On the one hand, I feel like my body is telling me something, but on the other hand, I can’t make sense of it. I’ve tried looking into somatic responses to trauma and speaking to others, but I still feel stuck. It’s hard for me to trust my own memories and emotions when I feel like I don’t have all the facts. I’m also afraid of how this could impact me moving forward, as I still struggle to feel safe in certain situations.

I’ve been questioning whether what happened was an experience of trauma and whether my body is trying to show me the truth. But the more I reflect, the more confused I become. I don’t know if these physical responses are my body’s way of telling me something or if they’re just linked to stress. I would really appreciate hearing if anyone has had a similar experience or if anyone can offer advice on how to process something like this. I just need help understanding my body’s language and if there’s any way to make sense of what’s happening.

My intuition is telling me one thing but I think maybe I am just sick and want this to be truth or something.

Thanks for reading