I fear I

TW: sexual abuse, childhood trauma

Hey friends

I am currently a 23 year old male and I am having a really hard time recently. When I was 15 I was taken advantage of by a 17 year old female. She manipulated me, beat me, and raped me multiple times over a period of 6 months. In addition to this I was also raised by a very controlling person who undermines me constantly and never trusted me with anything. I am afraid that these past issues are currently tearing me away from my girlfriend, a person who means the world to me, but is very hurt by my actions.

I was told that I have jealousy and control issues. These are both true. At the start of my relationship, but before things were clearly defined, my girlfriend slept with someone else. I will admit that I was hurt and flew off the handle a bit. I confronted her and had her cut all ties to this person. I said I forgave her but at times my insecurities flared up and I would feel hurt again. I would look through her social media and messaging to make sure that nothing was going on, which only further hurt us. Our trust was damaged by this for sure.

Last week we decided to take a break in our relationship, because my jealousy and control issues were hurting her. I fear I have become more like my abusers and I was preventing the girl I love from being able to be her own person. Please help me get better, she is the love of my life and I am truly sorry that I have caused her pain. I have already started to work on myself