I feel guilty for leaving my abuser.

when i was 14 years old, i met a nearly 18 year old boy in band class. he told me he had feelings for me, but we had to keep things secret. on our firt date, he coerced me into sexual things even though i told him no initially. eventually after a few months of seeing eachother in secret, he took my virginity.

we would see eachother in secret, he would tell me he loved me, and that he wanted to be with me so badly. we continued a sexual relationship, and other than that, i didn't exist to him. he would constantly tell me that since we werent technically dating, it was okay if he saw other people. he would lash out at me and tell me i was obsessive when i would get upset about this.

eventually, i told my friends about what he was doing to me. eventually, they were concerned enough to tell the school counselor after a band trip to chicago where he twisted my arm. i wasn't there that day, but i was the blame. when he got ahold of me over text, he told me it was my fault that i told and he had to lie to the school about our relationship. he told me i damaged his reputation and i could have ruined his life. despite this, i stayed with him well after he turned 18.

the sexual encounters did not stop after he turned 18 and i was still 14. in fact, they went on for another 4 years. he was in college, still meeting up with me while i was in highschool. i had to keep this relationship compeltely private for EVERYONE. including my parents. ESPECIALLY my parents. but he was still allowed to see other people, though he would make me feel bad if i had developed a crush on anyone else. he made it clear, day after day, that i was not his girlfriend despite his i love yous and meetups and calling me in the phone each and every night. for four entire years.

my feelings dwindled into nothing. i hate to say it, but i was only with him because i was so scared. every time i tried to leave, he'd find a way to come back. i was mentally and emotionally broken down by him. he would constantly tell me that he was the only one that would ever love me and i eventually began to believe it. i had suxh low confidence that even though i knew i didnt love him. i stayed. and i was so aftaid that i'd have norhing when i left him, just like he always said, that i just stayed.

eventually, in 2021, he began telling me that he was going to marry me. he told me he was looking for rings and that he was going to propose to me because i was about to turn 18. at this time, he was about 21 and had just purchased a home. the plan was rhat after i turned 18, he would tell my parents about our relationship, he'd move me into his home, and we'd get married.

i was horrified. i didn't love him. having sex with him disgusted me and i hated every second of it. i only had sex with him to make him happy. but i was also so horrified of leaving him. he would tell me of all the sacrifices he had made for me and that it would be selfish of me to leave. i was in agony for months. i contemplted taking mg life and every day was miserable. i felt so guilty for not being appreciative of whag he did for me despite the emotional and sexual abuse.

eventually, i dwindled away enough that i cut contact between us completely days before his birthday. i felt awful and read his spiel of texts about how i lead him on and i'm throwing away all his hard work he did for me, but this time i didn't give in. and he dwindled away too. evenrually, he stopped trying to get me back. until he reached out months later asking for closure.

he told me i was selfish. that i threw him away with no remorse and blind sided him. i refused to meet up with him to give him closure and at rhe time i was bewildered as to how he had no idea what he had done.

but now, i can't sleep at night. i gave him so many years and i'm wondering if i could have been kinder. i feel awful. he made me feel awful. he hid me. he insulted me and broke me down from the inside. but he cared about me and wanted a future with me. but at the end, i was so cold and distant. i feel so awful. i want to reach out and tell hin why. i feel bad for leavjng him int he dark about how i was feeling. i shouldnt have treated another human like that no matter how badly they hurt me and i havent been able to shake it. i need another opinion, because i am about to tect him how i feel and that i'm sorry and i don't know if thag would be a mistake.