I’m confused and I feel crazy

Hi

I’ve spent most of my life probably feeling miserable. My earliest memory being crying myself to sleep, or one of them.i was really into escapism and grew up desperately wanting to escape my reality. Suicidal thoughts at a young age and ideation before I hit high school. Always wanted to run away. Both parents toxic.

I was home for Christmas break and I feel I am just realizing I could be a victim. It’s really hard to talk about but memories started coming back and I’ve realized a lot of red flags existed growing up and even now at home. Very controlled household and everything centering around him all the time and his feelings etc. Pitting my sisters and I against my mom all the time.

it’s hard for me to remember but I remember seeing this dark shadow figure in my room as a kid. I remember how I would tell my mom about it and she googled it and it was supposed to be a protector energy. However for years after this dark figure thing always ended up being the thing that came out whenever my mental health detoured really bad. This dark figure I would vent scribble out Everytime I started to have a meltdown with no clear reason why. I always figured it was from being bullied in 9th grade idk. I felt crazy for a while but that’s when a memory slipped through my walls, a slight memory of the feeling. A touch memory. And since then I can’t be intimate with my husband, I usually have a high libido but now it’s nonexistent and I just feel hyper vigilant and disgusted and gross. My sister has even more severe symptoms than me. Constant nightmares for her etc.

could I be making this up? Can someone tell me this didn’t happen and I’m just crazy. I don’t want this to be real