I'm falling apart
I've been through a lot in my life (but who hasn't right) and it's becoming too much for me. This last year I've done nothing but think about how badly I want to die and ways I could do it and with several failed attempts Ive given up trying and now I'm just dealing with constant depression that won't go away. I found this site and in a group chat I've blurted out that I was raped for two years and it actually made me feel good saying it aloud to complete strangers so I thought Id try it again with everything that's on my mind... wOrth a shot! Going to try to make this as short and to the point as possible. When I was 11 this man came into my life and raped me almost every day for 2 years till he finally went to jail. But even though the rape itself was like death it was the verbal abuse he did to me while he physically hurt me. He would tell me how disgusting I am how hideous I am would hover over me point out every inch of my body and tell me what was wrong with it and why other women look better. What hurt the most was that my whole life my dream was to find my soulmate and have lots of babies, bUT he told me I was going to find the one man I want to marry and he was going to wake up one day realize how worthless I am and run away as fast as possible... somehow I was able to not forget about him and what he did and said but lock it away and move on. I dated 3 men after that, all great guys, I'm still friends with all of them.
Continued... I finally met the love of my life he brings out my confidence and for the first time in my life I actually feel beautiful. We've been going out for 3 years we lost 2 babies from miscarriages and a year ago he went through something unimaginable, he lost his father and his mom went to jail because of it. He at first came off as being able to deal with it bUT then he snapped and broke up with me but he attacked me while doing it. He told me he never loved me that he loved his other exs more that everything about me was replaceable. Ive never been more broken. My past came back and now I was completely dead inside that asshole from my past was right I am worthless and never going to be happy. We got back together couple months later, broke up again and he did the same thing told me he didn't want me he wanted me to go away. I ended up pregnant when I told him he yelled at me to get rid of the baby that I was ruining his life for the future wife and children he was going to have.. after him yelLing at me I did what he wanted because I didn't want to ruin his life. After it was too late he called told me he made a huge mistake he shouldn't of said any of it and he wants the baby. We got back together then he left again because at that point I was a mess constantly crying and being depressed, he told me my self loathing was annoying and he couldn't stand it. 5 months later we got back together and have been going out for 7 months since then. He's completely changed and I do understand why he broke up because he needed to be alone after his dad passed away and his mom going to jail. But I cannot move past him leaving me I am paranoid he's gonna go every night I have nightmares about it I hear the asshole from my pasts voice telling me happy endings dont haopen I'm not gonna be happy. He's telling me he's not going anywhere but I can't deal with him leaving loosing my babies and my past. Good things in life dont last. I used to be one of those girls that was so innocent that was super nice and believed in happy ever after.. not anymore. But I qant that back, how do you move on and get yourself back?
I'm always here if you need a chat
