Is this sexual assault?
Hiya. I’m new to the whole sharing part of this but I feel like I need to get this out and maybe then I can try to make sense of what happened instead of hiding away from it.
I don’t know if I need to include a trigger warning but I will just in case.
TRIGGER WARNING
So it was almost 2 years ago but I was out celebrating finishing my exams in school and I was 18 at the time. I was very drunk by the time we got to the club and just as me and my friend were leaving to go home, these two guys started talking to us. She knew both of them and I knew of them through her. They were saying that they had drink and food back at their place so we went along with it.
For just one moment there was a chance that we could have said no and went back to her place like planned but for some reason we decided it would be fun to go back to their place.
We went back to the place that they were staying it. Turns out one of the guys was house sitting for someone and decided to bring us there. So they gave us loads of whiskey, which neither of us drinks but at the time we thought “yay free drink” and we went along with it. A lot of shots later and one of the guys leans in and kisses me. I straight away move away and say “no I have a boyfriend” and he goes “he doesn’t have to know. It’ll be our secret” and I go “no I really can’t” and he kept saying “oh we won’t tell” and “it’s just fun” and “it’ll stay between us”.
I cave and just let it happen again…
Later on we’re listening to music and talking and now the night gets very blurry. I have a memory of running around this huge house trying to find somewhere to lie down. Then I find a bed and I lie down. Apparently at this time I’m texting my boyfriend but he said it was all gibberish and made no sense and he was getting worried about me.
I don’t remember this.
Then one of the guys, J, comes upstairs.
He starts kissing me again and I go “no I have a boyfriend like I can’t” and he says the same as before “no come on it’ll be fine” and all that. Then he starts trying to take off my clothes and next thing I know my skirt and top are off but I know my underwear are still on because (TMI) I was on my period at the time. He goes “where’s the fun in that? Take it all off” and I go “no no” then he says “Aw come on come on” and I go “no sex. I’m on my period” and he goes “I don’t care like it’s fine” and I go “no seriously I don’t want to”. I thought it was clear I didn’t want to do it but apparently not because he drags me onto the bed and pushes my head down to give him oral sex. It was weird and I hated every fucking minute of it but I was so drunk I just couldn’t fight with him. I just gave up.
I have another memory of him behind me trying to have sex with me but he wasn’t hard enough so it wasn’t working. Well I don’t think it did. To be honest, I don’t know and that makes me so so sick to think that I did that to my boyfriend. I let him have sex with me, maybe. I don’t know.
He also at one point told me he wants to take off the condom but I told him absolutely no way.
Then I don’t remember anything until I come to and see myself in a mirror completely naked.
I hate looking in mirrors anyways because I am really self-conscious but it was in that moment I knew what was going on.
I was cheating on my boyfriend. Or I had just been assaulted. i didn’t know which one or both applied.
And I still have trouble trying to understand what it was that happened.
Then his friend comes upstairs and J makes me give the other guy oral sex…
And again, I went with it.
I didn’t know what else to do
I wasn’t scared of them like I didn’t think they would physically hurt me but I was very very intimidated by them.
After what I thought was a few minutes, 30 minutes at most, my friend calls me. I look at my phone and it’s 6am. We left the club at 2am.
4 hours.
4 hours and I only remember about 1 hour. If even.
I have no idea what happened for them other 3 hours. God only knows…
I vividly remember trying to get dressed and wobbling as I put my skirt back on and the guy J turns to me and whines “but I was gonna cum” and I go “no you weren’t” and I grabbed my stuff and went downstairs to try and find my shoes and bag.
As I was walking out of the house I remember not feeling much of anything. Just kinda…numb?
I think I was just confused.
We went back to my friends house and the next day when I got home I fell into such a deep depression that I wouldn’t move out of for the next 2 days.
I told my boyfriend that I had cheated on him but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him any more than “he kissed me but I told him to stop but he did it again anyways” because as soon as I said even that much I could tell he was going through all the stages of grief and betrayal all at once.
I still haven’t told him the full story because I actually can’t bring myself to talk about it.
So I guess what I’m hoping to get out of sharing all this is some clarity.
Did I cheat or was it sexual assault? Or is it both?
@Lililolo
Hey Lililolo,
I'm sorry you had to experience this. I know it must have been easy to go through what happened. I emphasize with you. I'm glad you were brave enough to be able to share this here. I understand you feel like you cheated. But if you didn't give consent. Then it is considered SA. I know you tried to tell him no but some guys don't listen and don't understand what no is. So you didn't cheat he forced you even though you were really drunk. I would understand why you would hate this. Nobody wants to experience this time of stuff. But guys seem to think they can do whatever they want to and get away with it. Which is not true. We deserve our justice. I'm sorry to hear that this is affecting you to this day. It takes a while to heal from trauma and start the road to recovery. I hope you know you're not alone in this and 7 cups is right beside you during this time. I wish only the best for you. Please take care of yourself and your mental health. Those aspects are very important right now. I hope this message finds you safe and healthy. I'm here if you need to talk. ❤️
You did cheat on your bf by agreeing to go to some rando’s place.
”I was drunk” is no excuse.
The randos may have raped you there. Based on your account here, it appears that they did. If you have evidence, you could approach the police.
On second reading, I see no evidence of sexual assault. It looks like you just went with the flow. You did not say “no”. Your reaction to “I was just about to cum” was “no you weren’t”.
You just had sex. It’s not the end of the world. It was poor judgement.
Don’t feel bad about it, but also take responsibility for your actions.
THIS WAS SEXUAL ASSULT.
Honestly, this was rape.
You did not consent.
You did not want this.
You did not go looking for this.
Ugh, just reading this made me so angry I became nauseous.
i can’t imagine what you’re going through.
this would be incredibly difficult to deal with, but it’s not your fault. Those guys should be in jail.
Do not blame yourself.
often times kids just wanna get drunk because they think it’s going to be a good time. But unfortunately things like this often end up happening.
i don’t know what kind of evidence you have, but I would report it if you could.
here’s the thing- it was rape. If it was a sexual experience you wanted where you had cheated on your boyfriend you wouldn’t have laid in bed for two days with paralyzing depression afterward. you would have had some sort of continued entanglement with those boys. unfortunately some people cheat and it’s more normal than I’d like to believe, those people are usually not black out drunk when they do it. It’s often premeditated.
You we’re young and impressionable and taken advantage of.
You were traumatized. Youre not a cheater.
you clearly care for your boyfriend and feel remorse for something that wasn’t even your fault.
if you want a sexual experience or are fully and consciously consenting to a sex act then you don’t usually walk away traumatized. Right?
Did you ever lay in bed for two days depressed because you had sex with your boyfriend? Probably not.
Please do not carry the full weight of a horrible incident that is not your fault.
I really hope this helps you get clarity and heal.
This is a sexual assault, they took advantage of you being drunk. Don’t question yourself, and please don’t blame yourself! You describe being frozen, it is coping mechanism you trying to distance yourself from the situation.
life happens , we all sometimes get very drunk , just please be careful next time, know your surroundings, people you are with, those guys are assholes and should be reported!
Please take care!