I think my boyfriend might have accidentally assaulted me

I have very mixed feelings about everything that happened. I don’t know if my boyfriend assaulted me or not. TW: I will be going into details as I’m unsure of the situation.

About a month or so ago, my boyfriend came over and stayed the night. He wanted to have sex but I wasn’t in the mood, so I told him no. I then proceeded to ‘help him out’ because I was okay with that. During these he kept trying to touch me sexually and telling me he “just needed sex so badly.” I kept moving his hands away from my body and telling him no, but he kept trying anyways. Eventually I started to get a gross and uncomfortable feeling, and then started crying. He just held me while I cried and we never really spoke about it.

Then, a couple weeks ago he spent the night again. Once again he wanted to have sex but I told him I was tired, since I had a long day, and just wanted to sleep. He said okay and we went to bed. Early that morning, I woke up to him touching me and kissing my body. I just froze, I was so shocked and wasn’t sure what to do. So I pretended to still be asleep and figured he would stop eventually. He did stop eventually, but it felt like it went on forever. He left for work that morning, and I spent all day crying. I felt so uncomfortable. I told him about this and he apologized, saying that he was in the mood and thought that maybe if he touched me I’d wake up in the mood too.

I haven’t spent much time with him since this all occurred. I feel so gross and uncomfortable with what happened. But I still love him, we’ve been together for 7 years now. I know he loves me, and I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he would do anything to hurt me. But I can still feel his hands on my body while I was laying there, I have flashbacks, and will randomly break down crying. I’m scared to see him again.

I’m not sure if I’m misreading the situation or thinking too deep into it. I haven’t told anyone because I feel so ashamed. He’s my boyfriend, how could I let this happen? If anything even happened. He’s supposed to love me. I didn’t fight back at all. Does it even count?

I’ve been having a hard time processing it all and it’s impacting my daily life. I’m just not sure what to do.