I was groomed online for years and it led me too be way too risky and my mom thinks I almost got trafficked

Basically, when I turned 15 I started to go on online chat rooms cause I was lonely and stuff, especially at night. It was all normal at first I feel like and then it would get sexual and eventually I was ok with some of the secual chats with the older guys but I would always refuse too send pics when they asked. But when I would say no, they didn't want too talk too me anymore, so eventually idk why I was stupid I did it. I remember the guy I think was like 24, and I kept telling him yk like im not sure if I should send pics or anything and he told me too shut up and just do it. At this point I had never kissed anyone, held hands with anyone in a romantic way, or done anything remotely sexual with anyone. I remember while I was taking my clothes off I was shaking and it felt so wierd and I kept thinking in my head why am I doing this for him why am I doing this. And I did it. I dont even remember how the pictures looked, or his response, all I remember is shaking so much and I remember the exact spot in my basement that I did it. My mind must've blocked out the rest. I dont remember ever even talking too this guy again or anything about him besides his age. And then in my memory ther is a lapse of time, and it cuts too me doing these things every day, like I was addicted too the validation and what they would say too me. How much they loved my body, I had never thought of myself in that way, beautiful, hot, I never thought anyone could love me like that. Cut too me being 16, and I am doing this every single day, it was a loop of talking too an older guy for a bit, then feeling deep and horrible shame and then end up blocking him. Some of the men were 60 years old and up. Its like I started too enjoy it. When I was 15 I remember telling myself that I need to stop all this before I turn 16, that it will just keep getting worse. I turn 16 and im still doing it. It's like if I wasnt pleasing men then I was worthless, and my body had no purpose. I liked that they liked how young I was and I loved how much they praised me. I loved pleasing them even tho I knew they were bad men it is so wierd and gross. The next day whenever I would do these things I would be sitting in class just so disgusted with myself and gross and broken and like a horrible monster that should be put down. By the time u was 17 I missed being 15, I felt like I was getting too old and some of the men would remind me that the older I get the less desirable I will be. Expired. I met this one guy Justin, he was in his 30s I think. He was sadistic and evil but also he would say he loved me and stuff. I am so stupid that I did any of these things at any point I could just put the phone down and never talk yoo them again but I didn't its like I needed them. I will never forgive myself, especially for this next part. Justin kept asking me too put this curling iron inside me. I kept saying no over and over and over but eventually I broke. I did it. It hurt and I bled all over and he had me rub the blood all over myself. At no point did I enjoy this so why did I do it? I remember after the call sitting there alone in the bathroom covered in my own blood. Feeling dead inside and defeated and disgusting and broken. My 15 year old self ruined my whole life. It got too the point where the thought of dating guys my own age made me feel like a pdfile, I can't explain it it just felt like I was a horrible person like the men if I did that. When I turned 18 I met up with this guy Ken, it was a day or two after my 18th birthday I found him online and idk he convinced me too come over too his apartment, I was very unsure but I did it, he orders me an Uber. He told me he was 35 and the second I see him I sort of think he looks older than his pictures but I brush it off. He immediatly touches my butt and my waist when he greets me. And he takes me up too his apartment and I sit across the room from him but he tells me too sit next too him and then eventually I dont really remember how but I am performing oral on him and all I could think was how much I regret it and how wierd he is and how wierd I am. And then he tells me too bend over and yeah you know he takes my virginity just like that. All I can remember is the sweat, he was so sweaty and it was dripping all over me and I am a germaphobe so I hated it so much. He would tell me things during sex like that he is going too *** inside me and then I woukd freak out and beg him not too and he woukd say I am being annoying and that its just sex talk. How can he say I am mature for my age but then also call me annoying. I remember he told me I wasnt perfectt. But then he would be all sweet too me. It felt horrible he is disgusting I regret every second of it. We would get so high until I could barely walk and he would still use me he didn't care. Even if I was crying he didn't care or maybe he didn't notice idk. A bunch of other stuff happened with him, and eventually I find out he is actually 44. He lied too me. The man I let have my whole body lied too me. And had no remorse. After him I meet this 26 year old guy. He has a lot of experience and I fall for him hard. I thought he was a really good guy and I was so stupid I did everything he wanted no matter what I wanted. I eventually let him brand me, like tattoo me only 2 months into knowing him. My mom finds out and she keeps insisting he was going too sex traffick me but I dont want too believe it because in a lot of ways I loved him. My whole life revolves around him and pleasing him I had tasks and everything and I would make him drawings and stuff and we would talk and he would put his arm around me after sex and once he kissed me good bye the day that I let him tattoo me. I miss him so much. Once my mom found out about him tho she took my phone and now I am in a mental hospital for trauma and stuff I guess. I will never see him again but his initial is forever on my body. I gave him everything, I trusted him so much too easily I was so stupid and now I realize he didn't actually care about me he was lying too me. My mom had died him on Twitter behind my back asking him too take accountability for "grooming" me (I dont think he groomed me. And he literally deleted all his accounts, his Twitter account, his reddit account, his only fans account, everything. He erased himself from the internet and that wad so suspicious it just makes me think maybe my mom is right and he was going too traffick me but it just doesn't make sense I am so confused and I still care about him and want him to come back. I told me he was gonna make me perfect, he told me my body was almost perfect he just wanted me too be more flexible so I was even doing specific excersizes for him too change myself. He had me wrapped around his finger. Please if u are reading this, I know u dont have all the info but do u think he was gonna traffick me? God i hate my 15 yesr old self.