My Story

****TRIGGER WARNING****** for obvious reasons. This is a vent post to get everything off my chest, so I apologize if my grammar is messy. I’m tired and just want to be able to sleep. I was groomed + sexually abused by my first ever boyfriend. I was 19 and he was 22, I was a virgin, homeschooled, and VERY naive about men. I always thought I was “too smart” and “too tough” to be sexually abused. I always felt bad for the things that happened to other girls, but I was also convinced that I would be WAY smarter and be able to see things from a mile away. I didn’t.

I don’t remember a lot of what happened, I became very suicidal after the relationship ended so a lot of it is fuzzy, but here’s what I do remember: we started dating in February of 2020. We had met on Instagram because we had similar hobbies, and he IMMEDIATELY started love-bombing and grooming me. For some reason I thought of myself as better than most other women, so I believed him when he said I “wasn’t like other girls”, etc etc. We eventually went on a date, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. The relationship progressed VERY quickly. Subconsciously I knew everything was wrong; I even threw up when he kissed me for the first time. Of course, having already been previously diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I chalked it up to that. It continued to get worse. Soon, we started “messing around”, and even after laying out my boundaries on what I did + didn’t want to do, he would push them EVERY single time. I won’t go into any graphic details, but he was slowly introducing me to things, even when I said I wasn’t comfortable. He wouldn’t ask, he would just DO them and I played along to make him happy, because I thought that was what you were supposed to do in a “loving” relationship.

Eventually he escalated into sending outfits to my house & talking me into sending him pictures of me in them, he videotaped me without my knowledge or consent, and was obviously grooming me to be okay with public stuff. He very very blatantly SA’d me twice.

I was so, so brainwashed and naive that I was convinced this was all normal. I hid details about my relationship from my family because I was worried about “how it might sound to someone that doesn’t know him like I do.” Even when I would throw up if he even so much as TOUCHED me, I was still convinced everything was normal. He even convinced me that my throwing up must be a side effect from my anxiety meds.

At about month 5 of our relationship I got very sick & was diagnosed with chlamydia. I confronted him on this and instead he made up a sob story about how it must be from his ex that sexually abused him. (Long story short, he was cheating on me and made up that story for my sympathy. I won’t go into it because the story is so long, but I have proof he made the story up and was just cheating) I believed him because I’m an idiot. I spent a week in agony while he made the whole thing about himself.

Shortly after, we got into a fight about a friend of mine, and when I refuse to back down, he starts screaming & calling me abusive. I was sobbing and begging him to stop yelling but he just kept screaming. He dumped me and I was in shock about his aggressive outburst. I ended up tracking down & reaching out to his exes, and it turns out he’s done the same things to them + worse. He’s even suspected of sexually abusing his sisters, and he sexually traumatized one ex so bad that me even texting her & asking about him sent her into a panic attack.

Long story short, I told my parents everything & they threatened him within an inch of his life to never contact me again. I ended up making a post on a fake account on Instagram to try to warn other girls about who he is. I couldn’t go to the police as I didn’t have any real evidence of what he did, only he said/she said.

Afterwards, I was put on watch for a couple weeks + diagnosed with ptsd. Over the course of a year, my next relationships were very sexually manipulative. EVERY guy I dated would talk me into sex, I would agree, get sent into a panic attack, throw up, and then seconds after I threw up they’d be pushing to continue again. I was so I thought that was “sweet”, because “they weren’t disgusted by me throwing up.” This happened with 5 different men. After now meeting the love of my life (my current boyfriend) I realize how horribly I was treated by these men that supposedly had “sympathy” for me. I was only a toy to them too.

Now, I feel a lot of contempt & anger for men as whole. The only ones I trust are my father & my boyfriend. I feel varied levels of unsafe around every other man. I think 90% of men are pure evil. I don’t want to believe that, It makes me really sad, but I do.

I struggle with having a normal life now. Most of my fantasies revolve around sexual abuse in some way, which I’m disgusted by and hate myself for. I also usually feel “numb” now.

I’ve tried going to therapy, but my therapist wasn’t very educated in sexual abuse, so talking to her usually ended up in her downplaying what happened to me or saying things like “I think it was more emotional abuse, not sexual abuse” or “why do you think it was sexual assault if you agreed to it”? So eventually I stopped talking to her about it, and then stopped going completely.

My parents blame myself for everything that’s happened, especially my mom since she knows all the details. That just makes the shame & guilt worse. I’m disgusted with myself for allowing all of this to happen. I wish I had realized what was going on so I could have defended myself.

I don’t really talk about my struggles with my family + boyfriend very often because I’m so horrified at what I allowed to happen. I hate showing that weakness in front of them. I’m ashamed of not being smart enough to realize what was happening. I just ALLOWED all of these horrendous to happen

I’m scared I’m going to feel this pit in my stomach for the rest of my life. Does it get better? I really hope it does