My Story

My life has always felt different to other peoples and I have only ever written it down day by day so here I am writing my story.

I used to be such a happy child, me and my brother used to play round my childhood village for hours and hours we would build dens, play in the ford in the village, climb trees in our wonderful garden. Everything I did as a child I did with my brother, one day I got cross at my parents and my life changed forever.

It was a stupid argument over what I wanted for lunch, I wanted sweetcorn but my mum only had peas. Why did I get so angry? I ran outside and climbed a tree I was so angry, my brother came out about ten minutes later, all he wanted was to see if I was ok. He climbed up the tree and I then made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. I pushed him and I screamed ‘ I hate you I hate all of you that was the last thing I said to him. He fell and cracked his head open. I screamed so loudly for my parents I screamed and screamed. He was taken to hospital and he passed away. He died from the head injury. If he had survived he would have been paralysed for life I broke his back and his spinal cord got sliced. I killed my own brother and I can never forgive myself for that.

From this day on my life changed forever. My parents blamed me and took it out on me. My dad started to get violent with me about everything from losing a sock to mentioning my brother. I never understood why he did what he did. I needed him more than anything and all he did was basically turn his back on me he hurt me more than anyone ever has done, he betrayed my trust.

Sometimes he would just have days that he decided it was a day I should pay for what I did. I would hear him come in from work and he would shout ‘Emily where are you? I used to hide in the draw under my bed id climb in and would close it using the wooden frame at the top of the draw he never found me in there but I always knew I would eventually have to see him and when I did he would be so cross I didnt reply when he had come in so he would punish me.

Other days life at home was like nothing had ever happened he would be so lovely and it would be like everything was ok.

I started at secondly school and life was good for about 4 months and then I cut my self for the first time I dont know why I had the urge to but I just felt like I had to. Ive never not cut for longer than 4 weeks since and here I am at 20. I hate that its part of my life. I cant wear anything that shows anything above my knees otherwise people will see my scars.

My dad kept doing what he was doing and one day I decided Id had enough and I ran away from home and I lived on the streets for just under a year. I hated my life I didnt care what happened me I just didnt want to be at home being hurt by my dad. My parents never came looking for me when I ran away it was like they were glad I was gone. They didnt care. They told my school that I had moved due to being bullied this meant school never reported me missing. Whilst I was on the streets I met some amazing people and without them I wouldnt be here today. We all looked out for each other and it was the first time I had felt like that in years. I started to have night mares and flashbacks about what my dad did and killing my brother so I started taking drugs and smoking and drinking a lot I would do anything and everything to just get a tiny bit of relief from my head I was only 13 and I was addicted. I fell really ill with my asthma and ended up in hospital. I ended up back at my parents living in the nightmare all over again. I was asked if things were happening at home and I said no after all I loved my parents what ever happened they were and are still my parents.

Things got worse at home when I was back my dad got more violent and my mum binned everything that ever was my brothers he may as well never have existed. I started boarding at school as I didnt want to be at home and my parents didnt want me at home. Life was ok for a while whilst I was boarding but I was picked on at school and I liked to be on my own. During the holidays I would go home and it would be as it always was.

I have a 6 month period of my life that I have no memory of only scars and it scares me what happened it worries me that I remember everything else but yet for whatever reason I have blocked this from my mind and it makes me panic that something horrible happened.

Summer term of year 10 I started getting nightmares and flashbacks again. I would have to make sure everything around me was clean and even if I had cleaned something once it would never feel clean so I would clean it again and again. I started to feel the need to shower in bleach. I had to wash away what my dad had done to me, and that seemed the only way everything had to be clean I started not to eat at school and only in my room after I had washed my food in bleach. It had to be clean. I started to cut more and more I would have to leave classes to fill my urge to cut but to make sure I was clean I would have to wash it with bleach. My skin started to become so sore and it would bleed. I started to feel worthless, no one noticed I was washing in bleach no one noticed I was starting to keep myself more and more withdrawn from everyone at school. I locked myself in my room, I told my teacher I was unwell they never questioned it I washed myself I bleach and room in bleach I felt like I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to die.

I hadnt slept in about 2 weeks. I had cut myself so much my whole body was bleeding, my skin was a mess from the bleach I had eaten so much bleach in my food I was throwing up and I decided it was time to die. I took 150 pills of paracetamol and I injected myself with 6 syringes of Heroin. Even at this point I had to wash the pills in bleach even though I knew I was going to die I still had to clean them I put bleach in the syringe and I went to bed. My friend found me at 4 in the morning, she wanted to speak to me about her parents splitting up.

I ended up in hospital I was unconscious for almost 2 weeks when I was brought round and fit enough I was admitted to the psychiatric unit. I was diagnosed with OCD and Chronic Depression I was in the unit for almost a year I was only discharged because I had such a desire to cut myself and they wouldnt let me that I stayed clean so they would discharge me so I could.

When I was discharged I went back to my parents and cut myself to shreds. Whilst I was in hospital I was spoken to by someone from social services they asked lots of questions as the medical staff had seen the scars from what my dad did and I was asked how I got them I explained all of them in some way that wasnt my dad hurting me. I dont think they believed me but without me telling them they could do nothing. I didnt want my parents to be in trouble I loved them I still do.

Coming out of hospital was so hard I was bullied at school for trying to kill myself. I wish I had moved schools. My tutor kept asking questions and whilst my dad stopped hurting me which was great we didnt get along and my parents still upset me, they still blamed me.

When I moved to London for my gap year life got better I was away from my parents I didnt really speak to them I enjoyed work and I felt good about myself for the first time 8 years.

I came to uni and my medication stopped working I started to have really strong urges to clean and to kill myself again but this time I had people around me who whilst I struggle to trust I think I do. They were there when I needed it. My medication was changed and Im now doing ok. Ive started having nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks and I have hardly slept in a long time. I feel a greater desire to cut myself and today I spent almost 2 hours just cutting. I couldnt stop myself and that worries me.

Me and my parents have spoken a lot about what happened and we have decided to try and start afresh. To forgive and forget. Im finding that hard to do at the moment I feel like I should be able to forgive now we have talked things through but I cant. Not just like that I hate that I cant I should be able to.

I still blame myself for my brothers death, I still have days I struggle with my OCD and days I feel down with my depression. I still cut myself almost every day and at the moment I am feeling the urge to cut more and more frequently which scares me. I cant stop myself. I feel like ive upset my friends at college I dont know why or what ive done but I kinda feel like they dont want to spend time with me and when two of my closet friends tell each other constantly that they are each others favourite it kinda hurts and when I jokingly pass comment on it they just say you know none of this applies to you but I cant help but feel that it does and for reason Ive upset them and I really dont want to. I have had very few true friends before coming to uni and I hope I havent screwed up the friendships I have developed somehow. I hate myself for what happened It should be me that died if anyone had to but Im the one here and I have to make my parents proud.

My Wish list – How my life should be different.

1. I didnt kill my brother

2. My dad didnt hurt me

3. I never had OCD

4. I never had depression

5. I never took drugs or smoked

6. I never self-harmed for the first time and not part of my life now

This is my life.