My experiences

I wouldn't read this if you're easily triggered or don't like too much detail.

The first person to abuse me was my brother. We went behind an abandoned house with a foster kid who was around his age. At the age I was, we often went on little explorations, it was the fun part of my childhood and I looked up to my brother. We went into the shed together which I thought was strange but we kind of just followed my brother. He then locked it which I also thought was weird and then told me to take my trousers off. It was shocking at first, I thought he was joking but he was serious and I naively did it, but instantly regretted it but didn't know what to do seeing as I was quite young. Nothing too bad happened and then we left and that was it. He never spoke about it again but the foster kid told my grampy and my parents found out. They just told me to not tell anyone about it and all was forgotten.

In my first relationship, the guy would be very forceful and would just force himself down my underwear and we would often have sex when I didn't want it. I would just give in after he'd ask me constantly for ages and sometimes he'd give me the cold shoulder if I didn't give in.

In my second relationship, I believe he raped me anally. We were having consensual, vaginal sex and he then wanted to have anal sex. I said no repeatedly and he tried to put it in anyway. I pushed against his stomach, telling him no but he blanked me and still tried. I nearly cried during that incident, but I held it back because I didn't know how he'd react to me crying and I didn't know what to think. I actually repressed the memory until months after the relationship and it came back after seeing a similar situation happen in a movie where the woman was taken advantage of. This guy would also get very angry at me if I refused sex, to the point I'd cry and feel fearful.

I was so confused and shocked when my last ex boyfriend wouldn't give me the cold shoulder if I refused sex, he would just kiss me on the head and say he loved me. I would expect him to shout at me or just ruin the evening because I wouldn't sleep with him but he did nothing like that.

I then thought it was terrible that I expected something negative from refusing sex. It showed me how I'd become used to being mistreated by men. He showed me what I should be treated like in those situations and now I refuse to be treated the way I have been again.