My past is haunting me! I need to escape! ***Trigger Warning***
I'm a 27 year old male. I was sexually abused during my childhood by my brother. It started one night when my brother was in my room watching TV he started rubbing me through my pants. Then he put his hands in my pants and got me to do the same for him. Over a space of about 6 months things progressed into far worse things. My parents trusted him to babysit me so he took every chance he had to play with me. As a result now I have so many twisted thoughts and voices in my head telling me to do things that are so wrong. I try to ignore them but I just can't. I will never act on them because I know how wrong it is but I just can't stop the thoughts.
I get turned on by different sexual thoughts of minors. Thoughts of Watching, touching and playing with them. Both boys and girls. I hate myself so much that I can't get these thoughts out my head!
I also get very turned on by sexual thoughts about men.
I know that the past are haunting people becuz it isn't going the way they want it to go but always know you have the power to change your future. ^_^
Thanks. I try to remind myself I can change my future but it's just too hard. I can't find an escape
I'm sorry you have to go through that man. You aren't alone. I'm also a 27 year old male that was sexually assaulted and I've had a lot of strange thoughts too. I won't get into it but just know you aren't alone.
@TwistedFantasies .... I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you are now having to live with the scary repercussions of what someone else did to you.
Just know that what happened to you was never your fault, and while the thoughts you are having might be scary, they are experienced by many survivors of trauma.
However, you are doing the most brave and most important thin you could ever do, you are reaching out and you are talking about it!
I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but I also know how hard these thoughts can be to deal with. If you haven't already don't so, I would encourage you to reach out to a listener, there are great resources and agencies all around the world that will help you to better understand what is going on in your mind, and that can provide you with ongoing support. Perhaps a listener here can help point you in the right direction!
Take care, and know that you are NOT alone!!!
Thank you for your kind words. I have spoken with a few listeners on here, but most have cut me off when I try explaining my feelings. I am in the process off seeking professional help too. It's hard to accept but I really need it :(
It can definitely be hard to admit the need for professional help, but I am proud of you for starting the process of seeking help.
I really do hope that you find it beneficial and that a load is taken off your shoulders by sharing these things with a professional!
Keep trying with the listeners here, not everyone understands abuse, so it can be hard for someone people to hear about some of the messy things that survivors need to deal with on a daily basis. I do assure you that there are some fantastic listeners here who will be very open to listening to what you need to say, its just a matter of trial and error until you find the listeners that are right for you!
I am proud of you! Keep on fighting this, keep on reaching out for help!
And don't forget to take very good care of yourself! You deserve it!
Hello TwistedFantasies,
I agree with you and I personally see the fact that you want to find some professional help as a very good sign towards healing. It might take a few tries with several therapists but you will find the one who will fit you I am sure :)
I also understand your very deep need to share here and to be listened. If you still have not found a listener who can handle whatever you would like to share, feel free to contact me, I will listen to you. Please, just understand that sometimes I can't log in for several days, but even in that case I always answer within a few days. You deserve to be heard and supported, and I actually admire your honesty in this thread.
Although these might seem only empty words for you right now, there IS hope, just the way you are expressing yourself here shows it to me :)
Wishing you the very very best on your healing path,
Gilles
When I was a little girl my dad used to sexually touch me whenever no one was around and now that it doesn't happen anymore suddenly I have been having active dreams of him still doing that to me and I always react the same me trying to get away from it and it still happens today it's like ripping off the stitches to my wound I don't want to be reminded of that or any thing related to him and my cousins on his side of the family sexually touching me
@amicableSpring4942
Sweetie, I am so sorry these things have happened to you!
You didn't deserve any of it, but now you're having to deal with the effects, and that can be really hard and scary!
It is so tough to know that even when the abuse is over, the memories will still be there and these can pop up in many different ways. It sounds like nightmares are the scariest for you!
I really hope you have someone to talk to about this, whether it be someone in your family, or a friend, or a counsellor, or even a listener here.
Hopefully they can help you to work on some really effective coping mechanisms.
If its ok, heres a hug for you... *hugs*
You are so strong! Thank-you so much for sharing your experiences!
Never ever give you, your future is going to be so bright! =)
Thank you *hugs*