My story destroy me

Hi, My name's Bouty, since my childhood, I was happy! very happy! The happiest girl in the world, I have had a nice and lovely family 'till that day when everything changed, I was a child, I didn't know what's going on. He touched my body, he touches me, he said nasty thing to me, he become to do it more and more, I didn't day anything, I didn't stop anything.. And yes I had a sexual abuse. But guess who's that ugly person? It was my brother. nobody know how do I feel, nobody know what happened to me! I'm ashamed of myself, I lost my respect, I didn't stop anything, I cry every night because i don't stop thinking about it, I'm 15 years old now, I'm very respectful from everybody, from my friends, and their parents. I'm the first in my class, All the student, the teachers respect me, but I don't respect myself, I feel empty deep inside. but it isn't the end, he used to hit me. One day i had a blood from my nose, and the other I had some bruise, I have had some cut, I have never forget anything. You know when i close my eyes I see everything happening again and i wish if i stopped it. Some time I hit myself till I have a bruise. I have many bruise in my body. I punish my body because of what happened in my childhood, It's a nasty body! I hate it, I hate myself but I hate him more than anything else. He lives with us, i think he's 21 years old now, I see him everyday and I see what happened in my childhood, I hate him every day more, I wish if he would just die, if he dies now!! I will never love him or respect him of be his sister. I have no older brother. He destroyed my life, and the life of my family, he isn't a lovely brother, he did a lot of bad thing to my little family and this push me to hate him more and more.

8 months ago, I met a boy who's very nice with me, we talk all the time, and we know each other very well now, I respect him, he respects me, he was in my school, but we are now in the summer vacation, and I can't see him anymore, I was very happy when we talked, saw each other everyday.. but now, the because of my brother, I can't see him, I can't find my happiness. My brother don't stop saying to my mom that I'm not a good girl, I met boys etc.. but it's all a lie! I don't meet boy, I respect myself, I'm the first in my class, some teacher say that I'm perfect as a student and a daughter.

It's the first time that i talk about that, the first time that i want help very badly :( please, can anyone help me? I really need some help! I can't stand it, I can't still see him everyday. I can't stay at home 24h, I want to see my friends, to be happy.. I want help