One year ago
It kills me to remember than today, one year ago, I woke up in the morning being so innocent and having no clue about what was going to happen, and my life was normal just like everybody else's life. I can't stop blaming myself for being so stupid and going into that car willingly. I feel so angry when I think about it. I am angry at myself for being so stupid and not seeing I was participating in my own kidnapping. And all the things that happened while I was held there, I did all those gross things without fighting. I was so weak and coward, and I still am. Nothing has changed since those days.
I thought I was getting better but it was a lie. The nightmares and memories about it have gotten worse, and I have more triggers now than before, and it seems like I have more memories now. I don't understand why now I remember things that I didn't remember months ago and I wonder if it is myself making up all these things or if it really happened.
Last night I had a horrible nightmare and even my mom was in the middle of it. I tried to protect her but it happened anyway and I could not stop him from harming her. Why is my mind hurting my mom too? And what about all the things in my mind? I may have an innocent face but I'm not, I think about perverted things that can't be said in a forum or to teens, and even adults would find it gross. I'm so rotten and perverted and no one knows that, only I. And now I'm sitting here, thinking about one year ago and feeling like it is all going to happen again. As the hours come by, I feel that moment gets closer and closer and there is no place where I can escape. I don't know how I'm going to survive this day.
@Kimmkimm Hey you :)
I'm sitting with you ok? It doesn't sound silly or unreasonable at all - it sounds real. This is an anniversary day for you - they have a way of triggering alot of things - which might explain why the nightmares and memories have gotten worse for you. I am so sorry you're going through all this. Chances are your mind blocked out alot of what happened and they're showing up now because they still need to be processed but they can be so scary to take a closer look at
Not fighting back doesn't make you weak or a coward - not fighting back may have been what kept it from being much worse - not that it's much consolation to you but you did what you had to to keep yourself alive
Sometimes I think our minds pull in our loved ones to maybe show us that what happened - could happen to anyone - no matter their age or how strong they are
You are safe Kim - remind yourself of that. You don't have to spend this time alone. There are so many people here who care about you - I know it's not the same as having someone there in person but maybe you can imagine all the people that care about you keeping you company
Be gentle with yourself Kim - I send you strength and peace - you'll be in my thoughts
I remember how at the begining, everytime he came into the room all I did was to beg for my life. I remember telling him to let me live. At the end of the day I was so tired and beaten and everytime he came into the room I begged him to end my misery. I didn't want to keep going, I had given up. But I continued obeying. I don't think I did what I needed to do to stay alive, and it is even more ashaming now that I think of it. I wish I could yell and punch someone in the face but that's not fair.
I am not alone. My mom is with me and this day hasn't been too terrible. So far so good. But I'm still shaking and having this feeling in my heart that sonething bad is going to happen. It's been too hard to keep my mind distracted and my mom is already tired.
I find some peace in here too, with people like you. Earlier we were playing 2 truths 1 lie and it was fun. Thank you and everyone for being so amazing.
@Kimmkimm You can yell all you want - sometimes it helps. I'm so sorry for all you've been through and I am honored to have met you and talked with you
I am so glad to hear that you're not alone and that your parent is there for you today and I'm glad that it was a good day for you. I can understand why you're still shaky though - anniversaries are incredibly hard
Be gentle with yourself - I'm sending you some good vibes ok?
Thank you 😊
I'm so happy to be heard in here. People in here are amazing and it is such an amazing support, I don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for all of you.
Yesterday was a horrible day and it got worse in the afternoon, but it's a new day now and I feel like I achieved a little victory. There are a lot of things I need to understand and to work on but I'm too tired. I guess I have to go one step at a time. For now, the important thing is that I survived yesterday. The sun always rises after the darkness.
@Kimmkimm It's a pretty big victory in my opinion and I am so proud of you! It's okay to be tired. It's okay to need a break, you'll work on things and hopefully understanding will come with it. For now, I hope you can take pride in your accomplishments of the past day. One step at a time :)
Thank you. I hope everything is going ok with you too. Hugs 🤗🤗🤗
i know how you feel. your not alone❤️ none of what happened is your fault. not a thing. i feel so many of the same things everyday. there are a few days coming up that are going to be especially hard for me to. you can get thru this, one day at a time ❤️ if you need anything i’m right here❤️
Thank you so much. Yes, one day at a time is the key. I could do it and I know you can do it too. Yes, hard days will come but we're always capable to keep going. Thank you 💖
@kimmkimm I really hope you're doing ok, that the reminder of what you went through isn't overwhelming you, and you're able to recognize the strength you've developed since it all happened. To remind yourself that you have travelled a long way, and still have so many people in your corner. To have your mom, with the knowledge of how to support you, to reach out to you even when you don't realize you need it, to just 'be there' - you're very lucky! The triggers will get worse at times, and you'll question what's real and what's not, but try your best to be patient with yourself, to write down your memories, to allow your brain to process the trauma you're feeling, and above all, put yourself first. Be gentle with yourself, don't expect too much, and surround yourself with good things, positive memory stimulants like photos and pictures, quotes and sayings, poems and bright sunny colours. It's a way of reprogramming your brain to the 'sunny side' of the visual spectrum, and helps increase the positive hormones that bring strength and resilience. Don't forget the power of vitamin D (sunlight) and fresh air! Even when you're at your lowest, your body has a really intelligent way of taking on board vitamins and oxygen and cheering you up. If all else fails (or ever if you just need it) reach out here - I'm always in your corner, always got your back, will never let you down. 🤗 Grits
Hello, Grits 💗 It is so nice to see you again and it makes me happy. Yes, I've walked a long way and yes, I'm lucky to have so many resources and people watching over me. The important thing is that I'm safe now. Someone told me this: "you survived your abuse, you will survive the flashbacks". And that is an encouraging thought.
The day of the anniversary and the past weeks have been particulary hard and I haven't been myself. I'm a little scared of myself because I've been extremely aggressive, I bit my therapist, I hit my little puppy and I yelled mean things at my best friend when she was trying to help me. The good thing is, my therapist said that having so many memories means that my brain is ready to process all the information instead of hidding it. It helps my dissociative amnesia. But it's overwhelming.
There are many things happening at the same time. My mom's vacations are over and I'm alone again; my winter break is over too and I will have to see my mean classmates again; I have to decide what I'm going to study and I have to look for a university; I am about to become an adult and I don't feel ready for it, I have tons of fears and I am too immature. All these things, added to my trauma, are stressing me too much. I'm trying to ve optimistic and to spend time in positive activities and my puppies are a huge help, they get the best of me. It's just, sometimes everything is too much for me. My therapist suggested that I should go to a mental hospital for a few days or maybe a week, so I have a peaceful environment where I can be taken care of and I forget all my dutties now, but that is also scary because I don't feel comfortable with people I don't know, especially if there are males.
It's funny that you mention the D vitamin because I'm low on it. My doctor said that it is common to have low D vitamin in the place where I live because It's too cold and people don't go outside too often, especially now in winter. The pandemics have worsen this because we have to stay at home and my skin is all white now. He prescribed me some D vitamin 🤭
I'm better now that a couple of days ago. Yes, I have some episodes when I feel terrible and tired of nightmares, but there are also good times when I feel optimistic, and being surrounded of people like my mom, my best friend and you sure makes my day. Please please take care and keep being the strong Grits I know, capable of reporting and giving an example of resilience and perseverance to everyone. I love you 💗
@kimmkimm You are like the proverbial willow tree - the wind blows really hard and you bend to the point of breaking, but eventually the wind dies down and you stand up tall once more. No matter how hard the wind blows, you never break, and always stand tall once more. I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing aggressive feelings - ironically these can be a good sign of your body wanting to let go, to get the negative feelings out. Finding things you can do to let off steam can be really therapeutic, punching a pillow through to doing martial arts, going for a run, simply to exhaust yourself, all exercise does help in this situation. I can appreciate how the thoughts of your future can be overwhelming and how the realisation that you're about to become an adult is daunting. You will fall on your feet as you move into the next stage of your life, and you'll realize that university is the stage of your life when you grow up and mature the most. Yes, it's scary initially, but you'll move into a new environment where you can reinvent yourself, find friends who are good for you, make relationships that will sustain and support you. Listen to your therapist if some time away would help you, but reading between the lines I don't think you need that right now. Subconsciously, you're ready to move into the next stage of your life, away from your mean friends, and the fears of what uni holds are just your body telling you that you're starting to realize that this next step is already on the horizon. It's going to be an exciting time, full of new things (yes, that can be scary in and of itself) but full of opportunity for you to grasp life with both hands and make of it what you will. Your beautiful personality will draw people towards you, so don't be afraid to be unapologetically yourself, and be patient that those who accept you as they see you, are likely to be the positive, strong friends who will be there for you in the good times and the bad. Yes, the unknown can be scary, but trust that your inner willow tree will always be there to bring you back upright, even when the wind blows stronger than ever before. 🤗 Grits
Awww, your words are beautiful. It is a lovely way to begin my day. I open my eyes, check my phone and I see those beautiful words, and I have no words. This will be a good day.
I think one of the good things of being moved to the adult side is that I will be able to talk with you. So I think you'll need a lot of patience because I can be an annoyance sometimes 🤣
Thank you so much for always being there for me. 🤗
@Kimmkimm...I am so sorry such a beautiful person as yourself has had this awful experience. You are 100% not at fault know that. I can relate to the memory loss and then remembering long after. I felt like it was my brain probably protecting me. I'm so glad you have your mom and all the great ppl here on 7 cups to turn to during this anniversary time..it's rough but you are way stronger and so loved you will get through it. I am sending prayers and virtual hugs wrapped up in a safety net for you .. you make this community better with your presence here, you contribute so much here on 7 cups. Your inspiring and brave, you give me hope. Best always 💜ABB
ABB you're always so kind and selfless. I hope things are going good for you, though I know you're having a hard time and yet you're here supporting others and being awesome. Thank you, I appreciate your words so much. Knowing that there are cool and caring people like you makes me feel right and gives me hope and motivation. I can't say how thankful I am, and I'm sorry for not being here lately, but please know that you're also in my mind and I'm rooting for you. We got this, ok? You please be nice to yourself. 💖
Hey Kimm ❤️
I'm here on this account because I can't think of anything to say. Everything feels wrong today. I'm proud of you for getting through that day, and for continuing to choose to be thoughtful and kind. The way you behave when it's all just too much does not represent who you are, far from it. Thank you for showing that sometimes things get really overwhelming and we do things we regret and that's normal. We do what we can with what we have, and we live to fight another day
*offers a hug* ❤️ Love you, Kimm
Pandita my little princess. We live to fight another day, I liked that sentence so much. You know how much I love you and how much you mean for me. You've always been there and it is ok to not be ok. I'm sorry you're having a hard time but I know what a warrior you are. And even when you don't know what to say, I know how much you care for me and how much you wish you could tell me. You are the brightest star, X. E., you are unstoppable and I'm there hugging you as a tight as my strength allows me. I love you and I'll always love you. I know you can overcome any hardship you find. Hang in there my little tulip. 💖💖💖
@Kimmkimm
Awww 💖💖💖