SA by Friend: Thought I Was Over It

I recently was involved in a pretty bad car accident where I thought I would surely die. Thankfully, I walked away from that accident okay and so did the other person. When I got out of the wreckage and went to call my sister I had seen in my call logs that someone I had blocked tried calling me and left me a 48 second voicemail somehow. I tried listening to it later on and only heard silence.

The person who called me was a friend I'd known for 6 years. We met in a psychiatric hospital. I was 19 and he was 34 at the time. A few months ago he did some messed up shit when I was dumb enough to get blackout drunk around him. Once I came to, I realized what was going on... but lay there limp as it happened. I got up that morning and just drove home once I was sober enough and didn't speak to him again until I went to get some stuff I left at his place. Then I blocked him.

I had random intrusive memories about it when it first happened but then time passed and I eventually stopped thinking about it. Until the accident. Until seeing his name pop up on my call log right after I crawled out of the wreckage of my upside-down car. Now my thoughts of him and this accident are intertwined. I feel like I made it out of what was left of my car but I'm still upside-down and having to pick up the fragments of what's left of me. I have intrusive memories of both the incident with him and the accident. And since I'm still dealing with the consequences of this accident, I'm still dealing with what he did. And I feel alone all over again.

I feel alone because after the incident with him I realized how heavily I relied on him just to not feel alone. We talked every day, at any hour. Even though he consistently violated any boundaries I attempted to set, knowing it was difficult for me to set them as it is, let alone enforce them. And of course this is because I hate myself to the point I would let someone constantly treat me like shit (lots of mental abuse also took place) because I guess I feel I deserve it. And as I said, I was really that desperate to not be alone.

I was also desperate to not lose him because if I lost the one person who had known me at my worst, how much less would I be able to find success with other relationships? I figured I'm so messed up this is the only person that could ever deal with me. The only person who would ever want to. Now with him being indirectly associated with this accident, all those same feelings are resurfacing. And it's painful. I slept 3 hours last night.

I also wonder what he could've possibly had to say in that message. And I'll never know because as much as I've wanted to reach back out (out of pure desperation to have someone to talk to) I know I shouldn't. Because once I do, if I know him well (and I do), all the power will be in his hands again and he'll use that to make me feel awful and crazy like he always did. "I didn't do that! I didn't say that! You're crazy! You just wanna argue!" And he'll either take the chance to "end" the friendship on his own terms, effectively keeping that power OR I'll get sucked back into it but this time it'll be worse. And at the end of the day, I really don't have very many people I can even talk to, if any—this being a fact I came to realize in the midst of this situation.

Anyway, these are just thoughts I'm having lately. Just thought I'd put them out there.