Scared of men

Hi guys this is my first post. I just got this app today.

TW: rape/SA

In 2019 I was raped by someone who I thought was my friend. He got me drunk and then singled me out and raped me after he sent all his friends home. I was so intoxicated that I had a hard time staying conscious as he raped me.. but I do remember telling him I didn't want to sleep with him, and then feeling my self worth shatter. Later, I found out he was a serial rapist and had done the same thing to several other women I knew or was friends with at the time.This sent me into a downward spiral of PTSD, depression, binge eating, a reckless sex life, and panic disorder.

Now in 2021, I find myself coping with the ptsd and depression much better. I don't have panic attacks unless I drink alcohol, so I don't drink anymore. What I struggle with the most is the binge eating. I've gained 100 pounds. And I hate myself. I feel like I've ruined my body for forever and I will never be able to get close to a man again. I tried dating in early 2020, but when my date touched my waist, I flinched away from him as a reflex and it offended him even after we had the conversation on why I reacted like that. I feel that no one wants to deal with damaged goods, which is totally understandable. So I just keep my distance from men. Most men don't harass me or flirt with me anymore because I'm so severely obese. But some men will still try to flirt or sneak in sexual innuendos into our conversations. I find it repulsive and terrifying. It makes me hate men even more. I also feel shame. I think of my fat body as some type of blubbery armor against the raging sex drives of men. At the same time, I hate this fleshy prison I find myself Trapped in. It's hard to live like this. It's hard to love myself. I find myself putting things off until I'm "thin again", like dating, buying clothes, moving, going out,traveling. But I can't seem to bring myself to lose the weight because then I would be left defenseless without my armor. Thanks for listening.