Something I experienced; I wish nobody else has to experience in future. I also need help.

TRIGGER WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE

I'm a 17-year-old boy and want to share one event of my life that changed me. I currently live in Himachal, which is a wonderful place and tech equipped too. It feels like heaven meets 5G (lol). back to this, this thing happened to me 5 years ago.

it was October of 2018, I was playing soccer with my sister, one of my neighbours and my coach. My mom was a teacher back then in a boarding school, So me and my sis could live a life of a boarding student while still enjoying the comforts of a home. the field on which we were playing wasn't too far away from my flat.. just 80-90 meters.

That evening my neighbour went to his home and my sister also went with him so that they both could play uno, they both were good friends because they studied in the same class.

I was left with my coach only.. we practised for 20 minutes and the sun was down. I could barely see him anymore. When I decided to leave, He called me to do Abdominal Crunches (Idk the correct name)

He kept his knees onto my feet and I started working out.. after 15-16 the crunch, He grabbed my hand and started taking it to something, At that time I couldn't figure out what it was. I cannot explain because it would make this thread too much explicit. Later he pushed my head to the ground and forcefully held my hand and started doing things I cannot describe. You might think, what I was doing that time, Answer is that I was shocked, So much so that I could see everything, But I couldn't utter a single word... It all ended when there was a notification on my fitness band that my mom was calling in for homework, this was after 40 min my sister had left the field.

Back In the home, I was in utter shock, for the next 4-6 Nights I couldn't sleep like a normal person. I was having difficulty using Washroom. And I never went back to that place again, I had some liquid sort of thing coming out of me that night. I wasn’t crying. I was just shocked so much that my body was triggering flight or fight response (aka panic attacks) Even to this day, that night horrifies me. I never told this to anyone. Because I felt that these things don’t happen to boys and that my own parents will deny it on the first place. I felt that these things only happen to guys

Whenever my sister went there, I always ensured that her classmate never leaves her. I also made sure that she was under constant surveillance by my other friend.

that coach left his job after 4 months. Since then it's been 5 years now.

So, the question arises, why I'm sharing this in the first place? well, that's because I feel lonely lately, After that event, I actually stopped making new friends, And then in 2020 I moved to Himachal before lockdown went up. During the lockdown, I started feeling depressed, Not only me, my whole family went into one. When the lockdown ended, I went to my school. I had difficulty connecting with people. I had one friend of mine who left me because he said that I wasn't cool enough and I don't have a sense of humour. Though one thing which surely ended in me was fear. While the rest of my classmates were afraid of speaking in public, I hosted our annual function, Model United Nations, Science Fest, Math Fest and a whole art exhibition. I did not hesitated to go against my own teachers. Once My teacher said that I’ll not be able to pass the class if I didn’t do her homework. But I scored 99/100 in her subject only in board exam.

Also during that time, I learned Punjabi (which is not my native language) in 2 months. I learned CSS and HTML and I hosted my own website while my peers were playing PUBG. I started learning German.

But I did this all alone. I felt extremely lonely.

During that time, A girl from 8th grade who used to come on my bus and who helped in the exhibition said that She has a crush on me. I just said "You have more important things to do. You should focus on your studies" and I don't know why, But this terrified me from deep inside.

I kind of liked her also but at the end of the day, I felt that I don't have any right to ruin her future. I was her senior after all.

It was at the end of grade 10 in early 2023 and I forced my father to make my admission into another school. In the end, her words lead me to start developing feelings for her. I almost felt like I lost a true friend. Addon to this, there was a mounting pressure of success... Not exactly a success, my mom wanted me to score 90%, she said ot1herwise I'll be thrown out of the house.

this leads me to plunge into depression again. (also: I wasn't diagnosed, My symptoms just matched the listed symptoms on Google). Then I discovered 7CUPS.

You might be thinking: why Am I not telling my feelings to my parents? answer is that, my parents are scary. My dad (despite loving) is highly unpredictable and My mom makes me feel like I'm a trash or an animal. Or maybe that's how I perceive it.

And I feel that nobody really likes me in real life. Sure, people say that I am a smart person, but they also say that I am the person they want to interact at minimum.

Now in the new school, I decided that I'll be the cool guy. who doesn't gives a *** to others and who’s vibrant. A guy who can talk about literally anything, From physics to trash talk. But deep down I feel that this personality I built is fake. Sure, It helped me to gain friends but Whenever I or one of my friend do a trash talk, I feel uncomfortable and I feel to stop this from deep down Inside.

Then I saw a girl named Sneha, I felt attracted to her. She’s not the best-looking girl and not the smartest, But I felt that something’s unique to her. And aside from me one other guy too seemed to care about her.

But then I started to feel guilty. I started to feel as if I invaded her privacy, I ruined her career and the most scary thing, I felt that I was becoming like my soccer coach.

But people around me were also giving a shot , So I decided that I’ll go after her .

And then I realised that she was using me for validation.

Now because of her I lost my only new friend to others. So I stopped talking to her.

Its been 2 weeks and I am feeling lonely.

I feel that loneliness has now become a part of me. I'm not scared of being alone anymore. Though I feel that it absolutely sucks. I feel that nobody wants to be around me in real world. And I think that’s why I did not say a single word to anyone else except for my mother since a week

Its not like I don’t want to talk, But people just don’t like me. Maybe because of my personality or because I’m ugly. Idk really know.

During this time I started reading books. I read 9 books in total. And my favourite time pass is to think of the solutions of different problems. Lately I’ve thought of business idea which revolves around Creator economy’s biggest flaws and companies’ cost cutting on marketing.

I think that event changed me fundamentally…. On one hand I struggle to make friends and forming relationships with others while I think (might be my assumption) I excel at problem finding and problem solving while not thinking or doing trash talk about girls

And I don’t know why, people hate me…. Actively try to be getting far from me. Please teach me how do I make friends. I felt that my back story is essential for understanding my psyche. The ordinary tips on wikihow just don’t work one me.

ALSO: English isn’t my native language. How did I wrote it? Please share a feedback