Still dealing with the fallout (LONG, sorry)
*I also posted this in the Relationships Forum, but that was before I realized there was a Trauma forum and I don't know how to delete my old post. So, here it is.
(Trigger warning: References to sexual assault, suicide, abuse, depression)
Okay everybody, buckle up because there's a LOT of context to this and I am trying really hard to explain it well.
When I first started dating, my first relationship was a total mess. I didn't know much about the person I started dating to begin with, but I was willing to give it a chance because he was clearly interested in me. What a mistake. Those three months have scarred me for almost 6 years. He was mentally and emotionally abusive. He made me do things I had previously said I would do when I was flirting, but when it came time do actually do the serious stuff I realized how young I was and that I wasn't ready. I was only 16, I hadn't kissed anyone but him before. I realized I didn't know enough about him, that I was too scared. I firmly told him "NO, I changed my mind, I don't want this, I'm sorry", but he made me do it anyway. I cried and vomited after. In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags. He moved the physical part of our relationship so quickly I couldn't keep up and when it came time for the big stuff, I was overwhelmed and unwilling.
He was jealous and possessive and delusional. He always thought I was cheating on him if I didn't text him every hour. He scared me. He said violent things sometimes, did martial arts. He wanted me to change my hair to look like his ex girlfriend (who he was apparently still in love with). When I left him, he told me he would kill himself to try to get me to stay. He didn't. I know he didn't, but I haven't seen him since then. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone what had happened to me because we had been flirting and we were technically dating. I felt stained. I felt like there was a monster somewhere loose in the world and if I told people, they would make a big deal out of it and he would find me again. I'm still afraid of that. I'm a bit afraid even posting this here, of how strangers will judge me. Afraid that people would think it was somehow my fault, even though I got years of trauma I never asked for.
Friendship-wise, also a total mess. I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. Friends who treated me really badly. Friends who left because they got bored with me or moved on first. Friends who were fake. Even friends who said "I told you he was bad news, you should have listened to me" when I confided in them about my first relationship. My reaction to that was "You didn't tell me that. You didn't warn me. You all told me to go for it. You all watched me afterwards being depressed for years, and this is what you have to say to me?"
BUT DON'T WORRY, THIS STORY GETS HAPPIER.
I'm on my second relationship now. It's amazing. The guy I'm with knows my history. He is respectful and kind and I know that he loves me more than anything. He would never hurt me. He trusts me. He was the first person I felt safe enough around after all that to be intimate with. I also have great friends now. All of my friends are sweet, caring, and I know that I'm important to them. They are funny and talented. They would protect me from anything.
Despite this wonderful turnaround, every time there is an inkling of something off, like a weird comment from one of my friends, or my boyfriend being distant (because he's busy), a red flag goes off in my head and I'm immediately in worry mode, thinking about things that will never happen. I immediately start to imagine how everything will go wrong, and how we will break up, and how hurt I will be, and what my life will be like after that- how I will eventually be fine. I never tell anyone this because I know it sounds crazy. I never let it show because I know that would hurt the people who care about me, for them to see that I'm afraid of what could happen with them. I try my best to be a good friend and partner. I make counter-measures so I don't get hurt. I put some distance between me and them and I try to figure out if the red flag was real or not. It never is. But I'm so sick of dealing with that knee-jerk reaction all the time. I'm so ready to run away at any given moment, from any relationship, the second that something really bad happens again. I tell myself that everyone is replaceable, even though I really love everybody in my life right now. I feel so contradictory. I tell myself that even if everything falls to pieces, I'm strong. I will be okay, I will heal like I always have. But realistically, these people probably mean more to me then even I know. Even imagining losing my boyfriend makes me feel sick. I finally have something good, but I'm constantly on edge hoping it doesn't fall to pieces. How do I stop feeling like this and increase my faith in others? Is this normal, considering my past? Am I just a bad friend/partner for feeling this way?
