Struggle as a Male Survivor of Female Perpetrator
I really don't know what to say, it's not something I talk about. I was 13 or 14, she was about the same, knew I liked her, but one day got to me on the school bus and made me do things lest she say that I forced her- I don't know what to call it, back then I didn't really know much of anything, was incredibly and stupidly naive, though I knew enough to know that if it was ever a question of her word vs mine, she'd win. Anyway, word got around and nobody would believe me saying that I didn't want to, so I stopped trying to tell anyone. I tried to kill myself around that time, but nothing since then, I just kept it to myself.It's been that way for 10 years now and only recently have I begun to acknowledge what happened and that it wasn't my fault. I still have a difficult time believing that what happened was wrongand that I didn't want it "deep down."
Still, I feel like such a failure, like I'm not a real man, I don't deserve to be a guy and I shouldn't because men hurt people. I rather not be anything really. I feel like I should have enjoyed it, and guilty that I didn't, patheticthat I felt violated when I'm supposed to have wanted it and it wasn't a "crime" anyway. I had a trigger episode in college when we had a statistics lesson about different violence, I noticed that the victim demographics for rape had "Female 100%" and the reason was because men can't be raped.Coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship last year, Ican't have a 'real' romantic relationship now because I just don't trust women, and I hate myself for that. Nobody in their right mind would want me anyway. I hate that I feel resentment whenever there's a breast cancer walk or other female-centric event and that I get scared and nauseous when I'm near a woman my age. To me, it just confirms that I'm worthless and I'm tired of feeling that way. At the end of the day, I'm trying to accept myself, but all I see is this ugly fraud who can fool anyone else but himself. What's done is done, but I wish I never took the damn bus.
Don't blame yourself for what happened. Being a victim of abuse doesn't make you less a man. It's just some messed up social construct that men can't get raped (because let's be real this is bullshit, it's not like men are that sexdriven). You were just a teenager and it's not your fault. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. I'm very sorry to hear that this thing affects your relationship with women in general. It's not easy to trust again after this kind of abuse. But ask yourself: Do you want to become 'better' and trust women again or are you ok without trusting them? Because if you want to change it then you have to push yourself everyday a little more. It will take its time but at the end it's worth it.
While situations may be different, I also deal with this conflict of a female perp. Cannot really talk about it easily elsewhere. But do know you can talk here and that you are not alone. There are a couple websites even that help as support for guys surviving sex abuse. One is www.malesurvivor.org, another is 1in6.com. Sorry, can't seem to get links to work on my tablet.